


I Want to Hate You, But I Love You

by llostt_in_ttranslationn



Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-06
Updated: 2018-08-01
Packaged: 2018-10-28 13:17:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 32,878
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10832052
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/llostt_in_ttranslationn/pseuds/llostt_in_ttranslationn
Summary: Kelley is right; this might be the stupidest idea that Tobin’s ever had. In fact, it is the stupidest idea she’s ever had. But then again, she’s always been stupid when it comes to Christen Press.Or:Tobin is forgetful and she needs Christen to come home with her for the holidays when she forgets to tell her family that they broke up.





	1. Bright Idea

**Author's Note:**

> Hello there! Welcome to the explosion from my brain that is this story! I have no business trying to write a multi chapter story right now, but pain demands to be felt and all that, so without further ado, happy reading!

Tobin stares down at her phone in horror as her brain comprehends what the text she just received says.

_Fuck_.

She glances at the date in the corner of the screen, shaking her head to clear her mind and think back.

_If it’s December now, how long has it been since late August? Nearly four months. Really Tobin?_

The phone in her hand lights up with a buzz, and for a brief moment she catches a glimpse of a text from one of her sisters in their family group chat.

_What am I going to do?_

Tobin doesn’t check the message, so she can have plausible deniability later when her family chews her out for not answering in the middle of a conversation.

Instead, she fires off a text to her roommate, urging the other woman to return home as soon as possible.

Tobin lets out a long groan, falling backwards onto her bed.

“Woah there Tobs. Rough day at the office?”

Tobin just about jumps through the ceiling at the sound of her roommate’s voice from the doorway of her bedroom.

“Jesus, Kelley. I thought you were at work still!”

Kelley shrugs. “I was walking through the front door when I got your text. What’s up, man?”

Tobin fidgets with her fingers, picking at her cuticles for a moment as she tries to collect herself.

“So, like, one a scale from one to ten, how bad would it be if I had forgotten to tell my family that Christen and I broke up?” Is how she decides to start this conversation.

“Um, what?” Kelley questions, entering the room further and closing the door behind her. She crosses the room and plops down onto the bed next to Tobin.

“So, you know how my family likes everyone together for Christmas, right? Well, my mom just texted me to double check _Christen_ and my flight information, you know, for the flight Christen booked _us_ back in early August. So Christen and I could spend the holidays in Jersey with my family. And, so, yeah, I may have forgotten to tell my family that she and I broke up _and_ to do something about the flight. Ugh, Kelley! I’m so screwed!”

Kelley can’t help but let a quiet chuckle escape. “Only you, Tobs. How do you just forget to tell your family that your long-term relationship has ended? Don’t you talk to them like, at least once a week?”

“Well, yeah, but everything was so hectic after we broke up that I guess I didn’t tell them and then I just assumed they knew but wouldn’t bring it up to spare my feelings or something,” Tobin admits.

“Wow,” Kelley laughs again. “So they don’t know that Pressy’s been in Sweden for four months? Or like, anything?”

Tobin shrugs. “I dunno. _I_ clearly haven’t said anything. But, anyways, Christen got back last week.”

Kelley raises an eyebrow. “And how would _you_ know that?”

“Emily told me,” Tobin blushes lightly.

“Emily Sonnett? My Emily?” Kelley asks.

“Last time I checked you were too much of a little bitch to ask her out, so no, not _your_ Emily,” Tobin says.

“Fuck off,” Kelley shoves Tobin’s shoulder softly, both of them laughing. “I can’t believe you’re using Em as your little info whore now.”

“I didn’t even ask!” Tobin protests. “I was out for lunch with some of the girls a couple days ago, and Ash brought up how she and Ali are considering those tree hotels in Sweden for a honeymoon, and then she asked about Christen and when she’d be back so she could ask if Sweden was worth it. Sonnett chimed in that Christen had gotten back a few days earlier.”

Kelley shrugs. “Whatever, Heath. What are you gonna do though? How are you going to tell your family?”

Tobin doesn’t answer, thinking for a long moment.

The answer strikes her, and it seems a little far-fetched, but it might just work.

“What if I didn’t?”

“What?” Kelley asks.

“Hear me out,” Tobin starts. “But like, what if I convinced Christen to come with me and pretend we are still together?”

Kelley scoffs. “That’s the dumbest shit you’ve ever come up with, Tobin. And I was there for when you were planning to ask Press out in high school.”

“You were not!” Tobin argues.

“You called me every night for a week with idiotic ideas that would have literally _anyone_ turning you down,” Kelley deadpans.

“She didn’t.”

Kelley pauses for a moment, noting the slightest hint of sadness in Tobin’s voice. She wants to comment on it, but they have more _press_ ing matters at hand. “There’s no way you’d get her to agree, anyways. Have you even spoken to her since you two broke up?”

Tobin shrugs. “I mean, not really. I think I texted her when I was drunk that one time? But like, how hard could it be? It’s not like any cheating happened. We ended on good-ish terms, right?”

“Tobin, do you not remember the hour long fight you two had that sent her sobbing to me for hours later? You punched a hole in the fucking wall, man!” Kelley says.

“Oh, yeah,” Tobin shrugs. “It wasn’t that bad, though. We didn’t break up for like two weeks after that. I just don’t wanna tell my family right before the holidays. They totally adore Christen, and it would ruin their Christmas if I told them now.”

“Why not just say that she can’t make it because of work?” Kelley suggests.

“Christen would never.”

Kelley has to agree with that. If there’s one thing everyone knows about Christen, it’s that she puts family before everything, and the Heaths were definitely her family. She would never miss Christmas for work.

“I just think it’s a bad idea, man. Not to be rude or anything, but you only recently started acting like yourself again. What happens if you spend a week with Christen pretending to be together? You come back and mope because you aren’t anymore?” Kelley prods.

“I’ll be fine, Kel. I can handle myself completely. My relationship with Christen is in the past, I’ve moved on.”

Neither of the two believe Tobin’s blatant lie, though Kelley doesn’t call her out on it. “Okay, if you really think so. I can’t stop you from asking her. But just be careful.”

“I will,” Tobin agrees, even though she’s not sure what Kelley means by that. _Be careful?_ Of what, Christen? The girl doesn’t even kill spiders, what could she really do to Tobin?

* * *

 

_“What if I wrote her a poem?”_

_Kelley scoffs._ “Okay, sure. Any poem you would write would be like ‘oh Christen Press, you are the best’ or some shit comparing your love for her to your love for Jesus. Next idea.”

_Tobin frowns up at her ceiling. “I dunno, Kel. What was wrong with my plan to ask her when we practice together this weekend?”_

“Lame!” _Kelley shouts through the phone._ “You gotta at least act like you put thought into this. Not just ‘yo Press, let’s date’.”

_Tobin’s not that stupid. She’d as least make it a question, not a demand._

_“Well, you still haven’t told me what_ you _think I should do,” Tobin says._

“Because I think it needs to come from you, Tobs. How lame would it be as a story to tell your kids that you didn’t even come up with how you asked their mom out?”

_“Woah! Who said anything about kids?” Tobin’s eyes widen. She hasn’t even gotten Christen to agree to a date, and now Kelley’s planning their future?_

_Kelley just laughs._ “Come on, Tobs. Next idea.”

_Tobin tries her hardest to think, but she just can’t figure anything out. She’s known Christen since they were small children, and liked her for what seems like just as long, but nothing seems to fit. Nothing seems good enough. They’ve been skirting around being together for months, and Tobin’s done avoiding the topic. If only she could figure out how to get the girl of her dreams to be hers._

_“I could get her a puppy,” Tobin muses, knowing how much Christen has been wanting one since her childhood dog passed away a few years ago._

“That’s a terrible idea,” _Kelley informs her._

_But Tobin’s already decided. It’s a_ great _idea. She just has to make a couple of phone calls first._

_One to the local shelter to see if that pregnant dog that Christen likes to walk when she volunteers has had her puppies yet._

_And the other to Christen’s dad. She was going to have to call him anyways, wanting his permission to date Christen, but now she can ask him if she can adopt his daughter a puppy, too. She’s kind of dreading this one, even though he's always liked her._

_But Christen’s worth it. She’s worth everything to Tobin, and even though it scares the hell out of her, she knows that Christen is the best thing that will happen to her, and she wants the girl in whatever capacity that she can get. For as long as possible._

_  
_


	2. Can We Meet

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all the positive feedback on the first chapter! I hope you enjoy this one just as much!

 “Come on, Christen! It will be fun!”

Christen has almost always had a terrible experience in the time following whenever someone said those words, but she’s about to get dragged into some mess once again.

All that Christen wants to do is sleep, still not on a good schedule since returning from Sweden, but she knows that a cozy night in is not where this night is heading. Not when Stephanie showed up at her door twenty minutes ago with that shit-eating grin on her face.

“I just got back, Steph. Can’t we go out another night?” Christen tries one more time.

“Um, no. That’s not how this works. I convinced Alyssa to come, Christen. _Alyssa!_ You don’t get to be the difficult one tonight!” Steph tells her.

Christen sighs, but she knew when the conversation started that she would lose this argument. “Okay, fine. But only for a little while, okay? I’m tired, seriously.”

“Yes!” Steph cheers. “Kristie _so_ owes me ten bucks!”

Christen rolls her eyes at the younger girl.

“C’mon, let’s find you something to wear!” Steph rushes off in the direction of Christen’s room, and Christen trudges along after her, mentally steeling herself for a long night.

Nearly an hour later, Christen is climbing into the back of Alyssa’s car, next to Kristie and Julie. Steph had apparently texted Alyssa to call shotgun, and was very pleased to find that no one had tried to claim it from her.

Christen somehow feels like the fifth wheel, even though none of the girls are dating. She hadn’t realized that spending a few months away would cause her to fall so out of the loop of things.

Steph and Kristie lead most of the chatter on the drive to whatever bar they are going to, but Christen can tell that it won’t be long until someone turns the attention to her.

She’s right, of course, and practically as soon as they’ve been seated in a booth, Julie broaches the subject.

“So, Christen, are you ready to become a master meditator yet?” the blonde questions.

Christen lets out a small laugh. “I went to Sweden to intern with a psychiatrist, Jules, not a yoga instructor.”

Julie just grins.

“How was it?” Alyssa wonders.

“Cold,” Christen answers. “And so, so beautiful. The doctor I worked under was so good, too. I hope I’m that great one day.”

“Well, I’m not sure what it is a psycho-whatever does, but you’re like, super smart, so I don’t doubt that you’ll be like, the best at it,” Steph says.

“Thanks, Steph. I’m pretty sure that’s the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me,” Christen smiles.

“There was that one time she called you ‘fucking hot’,” Kristie chips in.

Christen laughs. “Okay, yeah. That too, I guess.”

Steph frowns. “I can be nice! I told Sonnett when she had lettuce stuck in her teeth the other day!”

“After you let her walk around with it for a few hours,” Julie adds.

Steph shrugs. "Oops?"

Christen finds herself enjoying the time she spends with her friends. She missed them a lot when she was in Sweden, but she didn't realize just how much until she actually spent some time with them. She still desperately needs sleep, but she doesn't mind being tired if she’s spending time with these women instead of resting.

They don't stay too long, however, because Alyssa too wants a decent amount of sleep, but they set up tentative plans for brunch sometime in the coming week.

When Christen gets back to her apartment, she greets Morena just as enthusiastically as the dog greets her.

She gets a pang of sadness and nostalgia sometimes when she comes home to a wagging tale that doesn't belong to Gunner the Golden Retriever mix. Tonight is one of those nights, and clearly Christen is a little tipsy from the couple beers she had at the bar, so she allows herself to slink into bed after she performs her nighttime routine, with her laptop on her lap as she and Morena settle themselves.

She does this sometimes (more than she's willing to admit, actually). She opens the file she has of all the pictures of her old dog. The only problem with this, is the fact that said dog was a gift from an ex whom is in most of the pictures with the dog.

Two pairs of amber eyes greet her in the first picture, and Christen smiles sadly. Gunner had developed cancer when he was eight, and they had to put him down. He was such a good boy, and Christen loved him a lot. She might be reaching a little, but Gunner's death kind of spiraled into her and Tobin's breakup.

Before he got sick, everything was great, but when he got diagnosed, things started to get a little more hectic in their lives. It just so happens that a couple of months before Christen and Tobin broke up, they made the decision to put Gunner down to end his misery.

Morena whimpers softly at her side, and Christen looks down at the dog.

"I miss her too, buddy."

The dog huffs and puts her head on Christen's leg.

It's a true statement, but Christen feels a little bad voicing it. Their breakup had been mostly her idea, and now that she's back in the same city as Tobin, she’s too prideful to be the first to reach out.

Instead she spends the rest of her night scrolling through her past, hoping that one day she'll smile as bright as she did then, in the future.

Morning comes all too quick, and soon Christen finds herself with only silence to entertain her. She doesn't start work or class until after the holidays, so she has a few weeks to herself to waste before her schedule gets busy again. She kind of wishes she had agreed to start work earlier, but she knows that when she's loaded with coursework and sore from all the yoga classes she'll be teaching, she'll wish that she had a day off to do nothing.

A run with Morena only wastes about an hour, and the shower afterward isn't long either. Her morning seems to drag on, and Christen gets a little stir-crazy when the clock hits noon and all she's done is mindlessly watch whatever was playing on the TV.

A text that comes in shortly after noon is just what she needed. A distraction. And, this text certainly does serve as a good distraction.

_**Tobin [12:28pm]** hey. can we meet up sometime soon? i have something i wanna talk about_

Christen doesn't know what to make of the text. She isn't sure how Tobin knows she's back, and she has no idea what the other girl could possibly want. She responds anyways, too bored and too curious to deny the opportunity for some excitement, even though this is probably a really bad idea.

_**CP [12:33pm]** Are you free today? We can grab coffee or something?_

* * *

 

_Something's up with her dad._

_That's one thing that Christen knows for sure. Her father has been acting weird all week, and whenever she questions him on it, he just shoos her away with a laugh._

_Her mom claims to know nothing, and her sisters are clueless. So, Christen tries to ignore it. She pretends that she doesn't see him grinning at her whenever she's doing anything not involving him._

_It goes on for several days, much longer than Christen would like. She even asks Tobin what her opinion on the matter is, but the brunette just shrugs, avoiding eye contact._

_A couple of weeks after the suspicious behavior begins, Christen gets home after her school executive committee meeting and finds that strangely, no one is around._

_Neither of her sisters are in their rooms, and her parents' cars were both gone when she pulled into the driveway._

_It's a little odd, but Christen just makes her way to her room, figuring she'll take a shower and then read until they get home._

_Christen is fumbling with her backpack and soccer bag as she enters the room, so when she looks up, she's completely shocked at what she sees._

_A small sound of surprise escapes her at the sight._

_A fluffy little puppy sits on her bed, staring up at her sleepily._

_"Oh my gosh! Who are you, little buddy?" Christen drops her bags and rushes over to the golden furred puppy._

_She strokes his head gently, and when glancing down at his collar, she sees a folded piece of paper clipped to it._

_Instantly curious, she detaches it and unfolds it._

_The sloppy scrawl instantly gives away who the culprit is, and Christen's grinning before she's even read the paper._

'Chris,

First of all, don't worry. I asked your dad if it would be okay for you to have a puppy, and he loved the idea. You know that pregnant dog you were talking about a few weeks ago? This is one of her puppies. I didn't give him a name because I thought you'd like the honor.

Second, I got him for you for a reason. I know he'll make you smile, and that's one of my favorite things. I love your smile. And your eyes. And everything about you, really.

As much as I'd love to leave you a sappy note filled with all of the reasons that I think you are amazing, I'm kind of a terrible writer, so if you'll meet me at our place at six, I can try to tell you how much I like you in person. You can bring the little cutie, too.

I hope to see you soon,

Tobin _'_

_Christen reads and rereads the note several times before it sinks in. Tobin got her a dog. Tobin got her a dog because she likes her. Tobin wants to tell her about how much she likes her in person._

_Christen quickly looks at her watch, and sees that she has just under a half hour to get prepared to meet Tobin at their spot. With a final stroke to the puppy's head, Christen rushes off to get ready to meet with Tobin._

_The little secluded patch of beach that they've always loved seems farther away than usual today, but Christen and the puppy eventually make it just fine, even if climbing over the rocks to get there was a little awkward to do holding him in her arms._

_She spots Tobin right away, and stops in her tracks._

_Tobin is perched on a rock, staring out at the water, dressed in a white button down and jean shorts. She's holding a single red rose, but she hasn't noticed Christen yet._

_"Toby?" Christen's voice is quieter than she expected, but it still grabs Tobin's attention._

_She's on her feet quickly, a nervous smile on her face._

_"Hey, Chris. You got my note."_

_Christen giggles. Of course that's the way Tobin starts this._

_"Yeah, I did. He's really cute," She goes along with it._

_"I'm glad you think so. There were four or five others, and I couldn't figure out with one you'd like best, but he was kinda off by himself and I thought you'd like that he was a little bit different," Tobin rambles._

_Christen walks a few paces closer, gently setting the puppy down when she's only a couple feet away from Tobin. She clutches his leash tightly, partly to make sure he doesn't run off, and partly so that she has something to do with at least one of her hands._

_"Oh, uh. This is for you," Tobin holds out the rose._

_Christen notices the slight tremble in Tobin's hand, and she nearly melts. She's never seen the older girl so nervous. Not even before the championship game last year._

_She takes the rose, bringing it up to her nose to smell it. "Thank you."_

_Tobin bobs her head up and down, eyes wide as they stare into Christen's._

_"So, um, did you decide what his name is gonna be yet?" Tobin wonders._

_"I think I'm going to call him Gunner," Christen says._

_"Oh, uh, w-why's that?" Tobin stumbles through her question._

_"Well you see, there's this really cute girl who I know who absolutely loves Arsenal, so I figured that since she went through all the trouble of getting him for me, I could name him after something she likes," Christen responds coyly._

_Tobin gulps audibly. "You think I'm cute?"_

_Christen lets out a laugh. "Of course I do, silly!"_

_A lopsided grin works itself onto Tobin’s face. "Really? I hope you liked my note. Kelley told me to just tell you to meet me here, but I didn't think I'd be able to get through everything I wanted to say, so I kinda like, prefaced it or whatever. That's the word, right? Preface? Anyways, I wanted you to know that I really, really like you, in a more than friends way, and I hope you feel the same, but, it's totally cool if you don't, y'know?"_

_"Tobin."_

_"Yeah?" Tobin tilts her head to the side in confusion._

_"Just kiss me."_

_That's all it takes to cure Tobin's nerves, apparently, because when her lips press against Christen's there's no uncertainty behind it. This is what they both have wanted for a while, and it's worth the wait._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can find me on tumblr at https://llostt-in-ttranslationn.tumblr.com


	3. Alone in a Crowded Room

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Posting this now as a thank you for all the positive feedback. The next chapter probably won't be up for a few days though, just saying, and I do plan to make the coming chapters longer. Anyways, I hope you enjoy!

Tobin is more nervous than she anticipated as she waits in a crowded café for Christen. She really thought that Christen would tell her no, so she was surprised when the other woman agreed so easily. It's a little concerning, actually.

She doesn't know how she's going to do this.

Kelley is right; this might be the stupidest idea Tobin’s ever had. In fact, it is the stupidest idea she’s ever had. But then again, she’s always been stupid when it comes to Christen Press.

So Tobin sits and waits, ready to possibly have what could be the most awkward exchange of her life. This whole situation is Tobin's fault, and she doubts that she can convince Christen to do this.

There isn't much time to come up with a plan though, as Tobin spots Christen entering the café.

_Fuck._

Tobin stands up when Christen begins to approach, offering a tight smile at the green-eyed beauty. She doesn't offer any physical greeting, unsure of the proper protocol when meeting up with an ex for the first time in months.

They both sit down at the small table, and an uncomfortable silence encompasses them.

Tobin's starting to regret this, but before she can get up and run out, Christen speaks.

"Hey."

Tobin blinks slowly. "Hi."

Neither of them know what to do; how to act.

"So, how have you been?" Christen wonders. Part of her is genuinely curious and the other part just couldn't sit in silence any longer.

"Uh... I've been fine. You?"

"I'm doing okay," Christen says.

"How was, um, how was Sweden?" Tobin asks.

She doesn't really want to know, especially if Christen had the time of her life after the first time in nearly a decade of being away from her. But the question is already out there, and she can't take it back.

"Sweden was good. It was cold. Colder than I expected," Christen means her last sentence in more than one way. Sure, Sweden's temperature was icier than she thought it would be, but so was the time she spent there. She's never felt more alone than she did during the first few days she spent in the foreign country.

If Tobin picks up on the double meaning, she doesn't show it. "Well, you're a Cali girl at heart, so just about everything is cold to you."

Christen cracks a small grin. "Yeah, yeah. I know. My brittle skin can't handle it."

Tobin matches the smile with one of her own. "Did you see snow?"

Christen nods enthusiastically. "When I was curled up by the fire, seeing the snow was amazing. Being outside in it, however, was not."

They share another smile, and a little bit of the awkwardness melts away when their eyes meet.

Neither woman will admit it, but they've missed each other a lot more than they'd care to say. Well, they’d never admit it to each other, anyways.

"So, you said that you had something to talk to me about?" Christen prompts. As much as she is _enjoying_ this, she really wants to know the real reason that Tobin asked her to meet.

Tobin clams up again, then begins to ramble. "Oh, uh, yeah. Funny story, actually. You'll laugh. So, like, I- um, I kinda maybe sorta forgot to mention to my family that the two of us broke up. See, hilarious. Anyways, I wanted to know if, you'd, y'know, maybe like come home with me and pretend we're still together so I don't ruin Christmas with my stupidity..."

Christen stares blankly at Tobin with wide eyes. She's not sure what she thought the brunette would say, but she certainly didn't expect this.

"Oh-"

Tobin cuts Christen off before she can respond.

"I know I'm awful for even asking you this, but you know how my family feels about Christmas. I should have told them right after it happened, but truthfully, I kinda didn't even want to think about it, and then so much time passed that I guess I just never got around to it. You know what, this was a terrible idea. I'm sorry. You don't have to do this. I think I'll just leave. Sorry for wasting your time," just as Tobin stands up, Christen reaches a hand out and places it on her wrist.

Christen doesn't say anything, but she keeps her eyes locked on Tobin's.

Tobin falls back into her seat, dropping her gaze to the table between them.

"Tobin," Christen gives the other woman's arm a soft squeeze before pulling her hand away.

Tobin glances up quickly, meeting Christen's eyes again briefly before looking away.

"You always were pretty forgetful," Christen chuckles.

"Stop," Tobin grumbles, a pout already forming. "Don't make fun of me, I know I suck."

Christen can't help her smile. "Only you would forget something so major."

Tobin isn't sure how to take Christen's reaction. She thought that Christen would be mad, or at least a little upset, but Christen doesn't even seem to mind.

"You aren't going to yell at me?" Christen is shocked at how small Tobin's voice is; how vulnerable she sounds.

"When have I ever been the type to yell?" Christen asks. "Sure, it's a little shitty that you never told your family, but at the end of the day, Tobin, you're still one of my best friends. Of course I'll do this for you."

"Really?"

Christen nods. She's not sure what she's doing right now, though, because so much could go wrong if she goes through with this. She hates seeing people sad, though, especially people she cares about, and there's no doubt that she cares about Tobin, even after everything they've been through. Maybe even especially after everything they've been through.

"I promise it won't be that bad. You know my family, they're always busy, even more so during the holidays. It won't be hard. You don't understand how much this means to me. Thank you so much," Tobin finally brings her gaze back up to meet Christen's.

They both know that this could go terribly wrong, and that it could completely destroy their already strained relationship. They've barely spoken since their breakup, and they haven't seen each other in months. Maybe it would be best if Tobin just told her family the truth, but secretly they both just want an excuse to spend time with each other and have a taste of what once was, even if it wrecks them in the future.

* * *

 

_Christen glances around the room nervously. She doesn't know most of the people here, and she feels totally out of place with all these seniors, like they can tell just by looking at her that she's not one of them. Tobin left to go get them something to drink, and Christen wishes she had gone with her._

_It had taken a lot of convincing for Tobin to get Christen to agree to coming to this senior-only party, and Christen really regrets her decision right now._

_The house is loud, filled with booming music and shouting eighteen-year-olds. Never being one for parties normally, Christen is feeling quite overwhelmed._

_"Hey, you okay?" Christen nearly jumps at how startled she is by the voice that comes from next to her._

_Tobin is looking at her with a concerned gaze, and just her presence makes Christen feel a little bit better._

_"Um, yeah. I'm fine," Christen says. "Just a little overwhelmed, I guess."_

_"Do you want to leave?" Tobin asks quickly. "We don't have to stay."_

_"It's okay," Christen soothes her now nervous girlfriend._

_"Are you sure?"_

_Christen nods. "I'll tell you if it gets too much."_

_Tobin offers a reassuring smile as she passes Christen a bottle of water. "We can always just go to a café or something and get some hot chocolate, if you want."_

_Even though the offer sounds amazing to Christen, she just shakes her head. She can handle this, she saw how excited Tobin was for tonight, and she won't let her aversion to parties ruin Tobin's night._

_"Do you wanna dance?" Tobin asks after a few minutes of silence between them._

_"You hate dancing," Christen points out._

_"But you don't," Tobin says back._

_Christen grins, taking the hand that Tobin offers her. The older girl leads her by the hand to the makeshift dance floor in the living room of the house._

_"You're the best," Christen murmurs in Tobin's ear as she wraps her arms around the girl's neck._

_"No, you are. Thank you for being here," Tobin leans her forehead against Christen's, neither of them caring that they are dancing way too low for the fast beat of the song blasting through the room, ignoring the sweaty bodies surrounding them in favor of swaying to their own beat, like they’re the only ones around._

_The night continues on, and somehow the party gets even more crowded. Christen doesn't want to say anything, but she kind of doesn't want to stay any longer._

_The teenagers around her are getting progressively more drunk and rowdy, and it's making her a little more nervous than she'd like to be. She tries to push through it, because Tobin is having fun with her friends playing beer pong, but she must not do too well of hiding it, because Tobin pulls her away from the group after the third or fourth game she played._

_"I think I could use some hot chocolate right about now. Late night café trip?" Tobin suggests, already leading Christen towards the front door._

_"We don't have to leave," Christen says._

_"I know, I want to. It's kinda loud in here and I could use the quiet, y'know? I won't be able to go to sleep later if my brain is still so wired," Tobin shrugs, waving goodbye to people she knows as they pass them._

_Christen takes a deep breath when they finally step out into the crisp night air. She's not exactly sure what time it is, but it's dark enough to actually be a little chilly._

_They walk, hand in hand, the short walk to their favorite café, which happens to be open until midnight, and even if it’s late, Christen knows it can’t be_ that _late yet._

_There's only one other customer in the café when they arrive, though, and they order two hot chocolates before they settle into a booth in the corner after they get them._

_"I'm sorry I dragged you to that party," Tobin says._

_"It's fine, Toby. I'm glad I went with you," Christen reaches across the table to grab Tobin's hand._

_"Next time we'll stay in and watch movies, okay?"_

_"Sure, Toby," Christen smiles at how considerate Tobin is. "Maybe we can even play some late night footy next time."_

_"You're the best," Tobin grins._

_They haven't said_ those _three words yet, because Christen has admitted that she doesn't want to say them until their relationship is built on more than just young adoration. So, they agreed that whenever either of them had the urge to put words to the feelings they have for the other, they would say the next best thing._

_"You're pretty amazing yourself," Christen doesn't even try to fight the dopey grin that she feels forming._

_Whether she's voiced it or not, she can't help the overwhelming sensation of love she has for the brunette across from her, and so if she's constantly got a stupid smile on her face, then oh well, because she wouldn't trade this feeling for anything._

_They sit there, late at night, just staring into each other's eyes, smiling for a long time. They don't have a care in the world, and for right now, it's perfect. Right now, nothing can change how they feel about each other, and they're both hoping nothing ever will._

_  
_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Find me at https://llostt-in-ttranslationn.tumblr.com on tumblr


	4. Lost Without Her

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back with another chapter! It's a bit longer than the previous ones, but I still hope to make future ones even longer. I hope you enjoy it!

It's not long before Christen begins to regret her decision. She's only been home for an hour or so, and she's already come up with a dozen scenarios where this whole set up goes drastically wrong. But it’s too late now to back out. She already agreed, and Christen Press is not one to go back on her word. Not when she can help it, anyways.

She's freaking out a little bit, and this isn't something that she wants to have to explain to her friends in her current state. She knows how they are going to react, and she doesn't want to be chewed out right now. Which doesn't leave her many options on what to do. There's no way she's calling either of her sisters, or her mom, because they'll just encourage her to back out, and Christen needs someone to tell her to just go for it and let whatever happens happen.

A year ago, hell, six months ago, Christen would have gone to Kelley and spilled out whatever problem she was having. But she can't, not for this. Not for anything, anymore, really. And sure, Steph and Julie and Alyssa are great, but she misses Kelley. Kelley who she's known since they met at a soccer camp when they were kids. Who she's been friends with for just as long. She and Tobin met Kelley at the same time, actually, but Christen decided not to put the freckled girl in an awkward position when she and Tobin ended things. She basically told Kelley to stick with Tobin, and even though she knows that the other girl wouldn't hesitate to rekindle their friendship like Christen hadn't not spoken to her in four months, Christen can't bring herself to pick up the phone and call. It seems to be a recurring theme for her lately; being too shameful or prideful to be the first to reach out.

So she sends a text to the only person who she can think of that will tell her what she needs to hear.

**CP [3:34pm]** _I need help._

The response is just as fast as Christen expects it to be.

**Lex [3:35pm]** _i'll get a shovel. who r we burying??_

Christen can't help but let out a chuckle at the text as she starts her next message.

**CP [3:37pm]** _No one's dead. I just need some advice. But it's good to know you have my back._

**Lex [3:37pm]** _always_

**Lex [3:38pm]** _what happened? r u ok? does someone need to die?_

**CP [3:40pm]** _I agreed to do something stupid and I'm starting to regret it_

**Lex [3:40pm]** _elaborate?_

Christen isn't quite sure how to do that. She contemplates just calling, but the other woman has already sent another text, clearly having decided that Christen took too long.

**Lex [3:43pm]** _actually, don't. i'll be there in like 15_

**CP [3:44pm]** Don't you have work?

**Lex [3:44pm]** _i'm leaving early. don't do anything crazy before i get home_

Christen shakes her head, a small smile on her face. Alex is one of her only friends that she met on her own, without Tobin. Most of her friends had actually been _their_ friends, or friends from college that she isn't particularly close to. But she met Alex at some charity event her parents had dragged her to during her senior year, when Tobin was away at UNC. The two had bonded quickly over the boring gala and their uncomfortable dresses, and shortly after that, their shared love for soccer.

Christen had been grateful to have a best friend other than her girlfriend who was thousands of miles away. They lived an hour away from each other, but the drive didn't bother either girl. Their friendship stayed strong throughout college, and Alex was the first person that Christen told about her offer to go to Sweden. Alex was there to hold Christen when she and Tobin ended things, and she was the one that drove Christen to the airport to see her off. Alex was the one to welcome Christen back, inviting her to move into the spare bedroom of her apartment.

So, Christen can be sure that Alex will give it to her straight. No bullshit, or biased opinion. Just the truth. Even if it isn't something that Christen wants to hear, it's what she needs. And so she plops herself onto the couch and waits. She knows that Alex works pretty close to the apartment, but with traffic it is usually a twenty-minute drive. Alex makes it back in just over ten minutes minutes, and Christen doesn't ask what kind of shit she pulled to get home that quickly.

"Okay, Pressy," Alex sits herself down next to Christen on the couch. "Hit me. What happened?"

"You've been working a lot, and I've been kinda bored," Christen begins. "So, when I got a text from Tobin, I agreed to meet with her, because like, what could go wrong? Anyways-"

"Holy shit!" Alex cuts in. "Did you have sex with Tobin?"

"No!" Christen all but shouts. "No," she repeats in a quieter tone. "I met her at a café, and everything was going fine, a little awkward, but it was actually kinda nice to be around her again..."

"Oh, Pressy," Alex coos sympathetically. "Honey, you told me you were over her."

"I am!" Christen protests. "I just- I... I missed her, okay? I've known her since we were little kids. The last four months have been the longest we've ever gone without talking, ever. That's not even the point, anyways. She forgot to tell her family that we ended things, and she asked me to go to Jersey with her and pretend we never broke up so that she doesn't ruin Christmas. I may have agreed..."

Alex just stares at her with narrowed eyes. "Christen, you know that this won't end well for anyone, right?"

Christen nods, but doesn't meet Alex's eyes.

"I'm not going to tell you not to go. That isn't going to get us anywhere, because I know you won't go back on your word. But this is going to break your heart again. I want you to be prepared for that; there's no way that you both come back from that trip unscathed. I don't want to see you so torn up again, but I understand why you feel like you have to do this," Alex says.

"I don't feel like I _have_ to. I don't owe her anything. I just couldn't look her in the eye and tell her to wreck her family’s holiday They're practically my family, too. Her nephew calls me 'Auntie Chris', so like, how am I supposed to just be like 'oh well, sucks to be you'?"

"I know, Christen. I wouldn't expect anything else from you. Your compassion is one of the things that makes you such an amazing friend. I think that spending some time with Tobin could be good for both of you, if you want to try to be friends again. That _is_ what you want right?" Alex raises an eyebrow.

Christen hesitates. "Of course that's what I want."

" _Christen_."

Christen shrinks under Alex's sharp gaze, and she can feel the tears welling in her eyes. "I have never been in a serious relationship with anyone other than her, Alex. I'm not used to waking up without her yet. I still have the engagement ring I got her, for God's sake! I have to try to relearn how to live my life without her, and it's killing me."

Alex doesn't say anything as she pulls a now quivering Christen into her arms.

"Oh, Honey. I can't believe you've been keeping this to yourself," Alex holds the older girl close, humming quietly to try to ease her sobbing.

 "I'm shattered to my core, Alex," Christen whimpers. "So if I have the opportunity to spend a week in her arms, pretending like I didn't make the biggest mistake of my life going to Sweden, then I will. There's nothing left of me to be broken."

Alex honestly had no idea that Christen was still feeling so horrible inside. In the week or so that the other woman had been back, she had seemed a little tired, but mostly in good spirits. Alex thought that maybe time and distance had healed Christen's heartbreak, but apparently it had only made it worse.

Christen takes a deep breath, pulling herself out of Alex's arms. She wipes at her face, trying to clear away the tears. She can't cry over this anymore. She won't.

"Christen-"

"Don't. I'll be fine."

Alex doesn't believe that for a second, but if Christen doesn't want to talk about it, then she'll keep her mouth shut and let Christen keep herself barely held together, fragile and about to shatter. She'll just be ready to pick up the pieces of her broken best friend. And even if that's a shitty way to go about the situation, it's about all that Alex can do, because Christen is too stubborn to admit that she can't handle it herself.

They sit in silence for several minutes, and Christen is about to get up and try to escape the too-quiet room, when Alex speaks up.

"Okay, don't get offended or anything, but maybe you could try finding someone else? To help you get over her. You know the saying, 'the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else' or whatever," Alex suggests.

Christen stares at Alex, with what the other woman perceives as a horrified look.

"Alex!" Christen hisses.

"Okay, just hear me out," Alex tries to explain. "I know that she's the only serious relationship you've ever had, but sometimes relationships don't have to be serious. They can just be a bit of fun. Come on, you can't tell me that you aren't curious what being with someone else is like? Why don't we go out and find you someone that can show you that Tobin isn't the only one that can show you a good time."

Christen just becomes even more mortified the longer Alex talks. "I do... know what _being with someone else_ is like..."

If not for the silent apartment, Alex probably wouldn't have heard Christen's quiet words. When her brain comprehends them though, Alex is the one with wide eyes.

"Oh my god! Did you like, cheat on her or something? Christen!"

"No!" Christen defends herself. "God no! Alex, I would never. I meant... in Sweden. There was this girl. Woman, she was definitely a woman. She needed a way to pass the time, and I needed a distraction..."

"And yet you came back missing Tobin even more? What happened?" Alex questions.

"It didn't _feel_ right. It was a distraction, sure, for a little while. But then I would come back to reality and feel even worse than before. The first night I slept with her I cried," Christen admits.

Alex offers a sympathetic look. "Oh, Christen. You're in some deep trouble. This whole situation is such a mess."

Christen nods. "I know," she groans, burying her head in her hands.

The silence doesn't last nearly as long this time.

"Maybe you're right, maybe I need to try again. There's no way I'll be able to get through a week with her in such close quarters without some help," Christen looks into Alex's eyes, searching for reassurance.

Alex nods, offering a sure smile. "Perfect. By the time we're both ready, it'll be just in time to grab a quick dinner first so we don't get too drunk."

The bar they end up at later that night is the perfect mix between classy and sketchy. Christen is sure she's been there some time before, but she can't quite remember when. The chill atmosphere helps her relax, as does the drink that Alex orders for her before they find a vacant table to sit at.

 "So, what do you think? See anyone interesting?" Alex asks.

They've only been in the bar for a short time, but she doesn't want to waste any time trying to find Christen a distraction.

Christen shrugs, swirling the straw in her drink. "I dunno. This feels weird, Alex. Is it weird?"

"No," Alex shakes her head. "People go to bars to try and find someone to fuck all the time."

Christen fidgets at Alex's wording. "Alex! Don't phrase it that way!"

"Is that not why we're here?" Alex questions.

Christen doesn't respond. Even if that _is_ what they came here for, she feels weird at the thought. She hasn't even done anything yet, and she already feels the dirty feeling that she knows is going to come if she goes through with this.

Alex tenses up across from her, eyes focused on something over Christen's shoulder.

"What's wrong?" Christen asks.

"Christen, don't turn around."

* * *

 

"So, I met someone the other day..."

_Tobin tenses up at the words. She knew this would happen. She just_ knew _. She knew that as soon as she left that Christen would find someone else, someone new. Someone better, someone closer to her. She braces herself for what she knows is coming. The inevitable speech that ends with Christen breaking her heart._

_"_ Toby? What happened? Why'd you get all quiet?"

_Tobin can't help but frown at the confused tone of her girlfriend. Shouldn't Christen know why she's quiet? Why does she want to drag this out?_

_"Just get on with it, Chris," Tobin snaps._

"What?" _Tobin can hear the hurt in Christen's voice through the phone._ "Babe, what are you talking about?"

_"You met someone and now you want to break up, right? I knew this would happen. I knew I wasn't good enough..." Tobin can feel the tears welling in her eyes._

"Tobin, I have no idea what you're talking about. I met a girl at that gala my parents forced me and my sisters to go to. She plays soccer and we bonded over how stuffy the whole setup was. I just thought you'd want to know about my new friend? Why would I ever break up with you? You're the best."

_"Don't," Tobin chokes out. "Don't even, Christen. Don't give me that bullshit. I can't take it. I love you, okay? I love you and I can't keep that to myself anymore. You don't have to say it back; I just want you to know... I'm sorry, I have to go."_

_She hangs up the phone quickly, before she can hear whatever gentle letdown Christen was preparing._

_The tears streaming down her face are hot, and she buries her face in her pillow, letting out a sob into the soft material._

_Why would someone as amazing as Christen want to be with her anyways? Christen could have anyone, girl or guy, anytime she wanted, and Tobin is hardly a good first choice. She's forgetful and only ever wants to talk about soccer or surfing. No wonder Christen was so quick to move on to someone else. Honestly, Tobin's surprised that Christen has stayed with her for this long._

_Her phone rings from where it’s still clutched in her hand, and she blindly rejects it before tossing it away, not even caring about the thud it creates when it hits the wooden floor of her dorm room._

_It's a while before Tobin's moping is disturbed. Her crying has stopped, but she hasn't moved in what has probably been hours when her roommate returns._

_"Tobin? You okay, bud?"_

_"No," Tobin grumbles into her pillow. "I'm dying."_

_"I doubt it’s that bad, Tobs. What happened?"_

_Tobin rolls over, staring up into the hazel eyes of her roommate. "I think Christen found someone else, Ash."_

_Ashlyn tilts her head in confusion. "But you guys were fine like two days ago? Didn't you send her a picture of that cute dog you saw? Did something change?"_

_"When we were talking today, she mentioned how she met this girl at an event her parents took her to. And that they 'bonded' or whatever. I knew it wouldn't last for long after I came here, but I didn't think she'd move on before we were even over."_

_"Did she break up with you?" Ashlyn gives Tobin a soft shove over, and climbs onto the other girl's bed._

_"Not exactly. She tried to tell me that the girl was just a friend, but I doubt it. I'm sure anyone she meets is better than me."_

_Ashlyn is quiet for a moment. "You're an idiot, Tobin. I hope you know that. If your girl says this chick is just a friend, you better fucking believe her. If you can't trust her then you might actually want to question your relationship. She chose to be with you, and I've never met her, but if she's half as great as you describe her, then she's gotta be pretty decent. So call her back and grovel for forgiveness before she finds an actual reason to leave you."_

_"How are you so sure she's telling the truth?" Tobin asks, uncertain._

_"Because I've spent the past two years in a long-distance relationship. Ali and I cracked under the pressure once over a simple misunderstanding, and being without her sucks, so now we do everything we can to make sure we have good communication. That's the key for long-distance to work," Ashlyn explains. "Christen wouldn't have told you about this girl if she was cheating or planning on leaving you for her."_

_"You're probably right," Tobin rubs the back of her neck, realizing that she may have overreacted a bit. "But she's so amazing, and I'm just me. What if I'm not good enough for her?"_

_"First of all, you're one of the greatest people I know, Tobs, so if anything, she's lucky to have you. Second, you gotta just be grateful for what you have. She could have chosen anybody, but she's with you. That means something. You don't think that I don't spend all my time being amazed that Ali is with me? But she is, because even if I can't see it, she thinks there's something great in me. I'm sure Christen feels the same way about you. Just call her," Ashlyn gets up off the bed, and offers Tobin a pat on the shoulder._

_"Where are you going?" Tobin asks._

_"To take a shower. Call your girl."_

_Tobin sits in silence for a few minutes after Ashlyn leaves, mulling over everything Ashlyn had said. She really blew this out of proportion._

_Christen is probably pissed, but Tobin has to know how the younger girl actually feels, so she fumbles, searching for her phone before remembering that it's still on the floor somewhere._

_She retrieves it, and perches on the edge of her bed, suddenly nervous as she pulls up Christen's contact._

_The phone rings. Once, twice, three times._

_Tobin is starting to give up hope when the line picks up._

"Toby?" _Her heart breaks at the vulnerable, raw voice._

_"Chris, baby, I'm so sorry. I'm such an idiot," Tobin feels terrible, knowing that Christen cried because of her._

"What happened earlier? Everything was going fine and then you freaked out. Did I do something?" _Christen asks._

_"No, Chris, no. You didn't do anything wrong. I just really miss you and I got insecure. You're amazing. You're the best."_

"Tobin, I-" _Christen starts._

_"Don't say it, baby. I fucked up earlier. The first time we said it we were supposed to be in each other's arms, not a few thousand miles apart. I'm sorry. Can you forgive me?" Tobin holds her breath._

_She starts to get terrified when Christen takes a few moments to respond. Is this going to actually be the end?_

"Of course, Toby. Just, don't scare me like that again. Talk to me, okay? Please. I can't stand knowing you're upset and not being able to hold you," _Christen says._

_"I promise. Communication is key. We have to be able to talk to each other. Call me out on my bullshit and remind me of this conversation next time I mess up. I'm really sorry."_

"Stop apologizing. I forgive you, okay? I could have phrased my sentence better. I was just excited to tell you about how I made a new friend."

_"I overreacted. I shouldn't have freaked out. Tell me about your new friend, baby. What's her name?" Tobin tries to move on._

_She'll remember this in the future. She won't fuck up like this again, because even the thought of losing Christen makes her want to curl up and stop functioning. Nothing like this will ever happen again if Tobin can help it._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Find me on tumblr at http://llostt-in-ttranslationn.tumblr.com


	5. What Friends Are For

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not really satisfied with how this chapter turned out, but I already rewrote it like three times, so this will have to do. The story should pick up in the next few chapters, though, so that should be good. Anyways, I hope you enjoy!

When Tobin gets back from meeting Christen, she finds her apartment with more people in it than when she left. Kelley is at the center of the group, laughing loudly.

"Tobs! Come hang!"

All Tobin really wants to do is head to her bedroom and nap for a few hours to shake off the emotions of the day, but she knows Kelley won't let that happen from the demanding look her eyes.

So she squeezes herself between Kelley and Emily, just to piss Kelley off a bit. Allie picks the conversation up, not noticing or not caring about the slight hostility between the two roommates.

"Harry! We're going out tonight!" Allie announces.

"Yay," Tobin's tone is flat, and she gets a sharp elbow in the ribs from Kelley. "I mean, that's great!"

"You good, Tobs?" Ashlyn questions from her spot on the couch next to Ali.

"Mmm," Tobin hums her affirmation.

"Just wait you guys," Morgan says. "Sonnett's gonna get so drunk she'll spill all her secrets."

"Hey!" Emily protests. "It's not my fault I was a good kid and didn't go around getting smashed when I was sixteen. I'm not even that much of a lightweight!"

"Sure, Sonny," Kling laughs.

Emily pouts. "I just turned twenty-one like two weeks ago. Cut me some slack."

"It's okay, Em," Kelley says. "They're just teasing. Guys, be nice."

"Yes ma'am," Moe salutes Kelley, laughing.

Tobin can't seem to get herself in the flow of conversation, but she forces a smile and nods along while her friends go back and forth teasing each other.

It's not long until they decide that it's an appropriate time to go out. Tobin isn't sure who suggests getting dinner first, but she's grateful, because it's been several hours since she last ate.

Dinner goes much like their time at Tobin and Kelley's apartment, and at the end of the meal, Tobin decides she'll walk to the bar that the group decided on instead of drive, needing the few minutes alone in the fresh air.

Tobin's the last to arrive at the bar, obviously, but instead of seeing her friends right away, she meets a familiar pair of ice blue eyes, and freezes when she recognizes the dark curls of the woman who's back is facing her.

"Tobin! Over here!"

Tobin has to force herself to look away, and find the voice calling her name. She slips into the booth that her friends are seated at. Kelley pushes a drink her way with a warning look.

Tobin takes a long sip of the liquid, cringing only slightly at the strong taste of vodka. Her eyes wander across the bar, but neither Alex nor Christen are looking her way.

_It's going to be a long night._

"I think I'm gonna head to the bathroom," Kelley says, scooting out of the booth. "Tobs, come with me?"

Tobin doesn't argue, because the determined look on Kelley's face assures her that she won't win if she puts up a fight.

Kelley checks to make sure all the stalls in the bathroom are empty before turning to face Tobin.

"You need to get control of yourself," Kelley crosses her arms, leaning back against the counter. "If you can't handle being here, then we can leave. Tonight is supposed to be a distraction."

Tobin doesn't have the chance to formulate a response before the bathroom door bursts open.

"You need to leave."

"Excuse you?" Kelley asks.

"You guys can't be here. _She_ can't be here," Alex shoots Tobin a glare.

Tobin shrinks back into herself, wanting nothing more than to be anywhere else right now. Kelley and Alex have always rubbed each other the wrong way, and Tobin can feel the tension building already. She keeps her eyes on the ground, trying not to draw attention to herself.

"Woah, okay," Kelley scoffs. "I didn't realize that you owned this bar and can control what happens here."

"Listen," Alex steps closer to Kelley. "I just spent the afternoon trying to patch together my broken best friend. Christen doesn't need to see _her_ anymore today. To be honest, I'm not sure if she'll even have any tears left to cry after this afternoon."

"Christen was crying?" Tobin looks up, concern evident on her face.

Alex rolls her eyes. "Like you didn't have any idea about what that little stunt you pulled would do to her. She's a mess, and I swear to God, if she comes back from your trip even worse off, then I will personally see to it that you never so much as think about her again."

"I didn't mean to make her cry," Tobin mumbles, eyes downcast once again.

Kelley glances at Tobin's distressed state, and then meets Alex's eyes with a sharp look. "You need to back off. Christen can fight her own battles, and I don't see her in here throwing a fit like you are. So if you'll excuse us, we'll be out there having a good time."

"Kel, it's fine. I can leave," Tobin speaks up.

"At least you have a little common sense left," Alex says. She shoots a smug look at Kelley.

"Tobin..." Kelley says.

"No, really. I'm pretty tired, anyways. I'll see you at home," Tobin brushes past Alex on her way out, and she ducks out through the back door of the bar so she doesn't risk seeing Christen on her way out. She just hopes that Kelley and Alex don't kill each other while she's not there.

Tobin spends several days trying not to think about the inevitable awkwardness that is to come when she and Christen have to spend a week lying to her entire family. Bad idea or not, it's too late now for Tobin to change her mind.

Even so, she puts off getting together with Christen to plan for how they will act around her family. It isn't hard to come up with reasons to not do it. She wakes up with a headache that doesn't leave all day. It's her turn to do the grocery shopping. Her phone dies and she can't find the charger. She has work. So many good excuses that she hardly notices that she's even avoiding it.

Work is a particularly good distraction. She spends her mornings at the surf shop that she and Ashlyn own up in Venice, and then she heads to the high school in Manhattan Beach where she coaches the girls’ soccer team.

They're good, but not great, even though several of the players have great potential. Tobin wouldn't be surprised if she saw some of them continue playing professionally for club and even country in the future.

"Hey Coach, can I suggest something?"

Tobin nods her head at the sophomore standing in front of her. There's a good chance that the only reason the girl chose now to ask her question is to get out of the laps that the rest of the team is currently running, but Tobin pretends that she doesn't notice that fact.

"Well, since we only have two games left before winter break, I was wondering if you'd consider maybe starting Jess in one of them. Y'know, so she has something to tell her family up in Canada?"

Tobin considers the suggestion. Normally she doesn't even let the seniors who she's been coaching since they were freshmen suggest lineups, but coming from Mallory, who appears to only have the best intentions, she might actually think about it.

"We'll see how she does in practice this week," Tobin offers. "Any particular reason you're so invested in her game time, Mal?" Tobin raises an eyebrow.

Mal shrugs, blushing lightly. "Dunno. She's just really good and deserves the start."

Tobin has to agree with that. Jessie had only transferred this year, so Tobin hasn't had long to observe her, but she does seem to be pretty good with a ball at her feet.

"Alright, Pugh. Start your laps," Tobin says.

Mal sends her coach a grin, before joining her teammates in their warm up laps.

Tobin almost forgets about her predicament as she helps her team with their drills, even going so far as to show off a few of her old tricks. The distraction only lasts until she finishes picking up the cones from practice, though.

"You've still got your moves, I see."

Tobin nearly jumps out of her skin at the voice, even though she recognizes it instantly.

"What're you doing here?" Her voice comes out much softer than she anticipated, so she clears her throat and repeats the question.

"We need to talk," Christen says. She approaches Tobin slowly, as if she was approaching a scared animal.

"Talk?" Tobin repeats, the term foreign on her tongue.

"Yes, Tobin," Christen says. "You know, about how in a week and a half we'll be going to New Jersey to spend the holidays with your family as we lie to them about our relationship?"

Tobin cringes. "Yeah, right. Let me put these away first?"

Christen nods, taking a few steps back to allow Tobin to brush past her, over to the equipment shed where she tucks away the ball bags and cones.

Both of them know she's purposefully taking as long as possible, but Christen doesn't call her out on it.

Once everything is put away, Tobin slowly turns to face Christen, not yet meeting the other woman's eyes. "Do you wanna go to the beach to talk?" Tobin questions.

Christen should say no. They have a history with beaches, and Christen doesn't necessarily want to relive their past when trying to plan for the future.

"Sure."

"Uh, cool," Tobin rubs at the back of her neck. "Did you drive here?"

Christen shakes her head. "Alex dropped me off on her way to work."

"Okay, c'mon then," Tobin begins to lead the way off the field and out to the parking lot to her car. It feels weird to both of them to be walking together without holding hands like they were so used to, even before they officially started dating, though neither of them voice the thoughts they have.

The short drive to the beach is spent mostly in silence, with the radio playing quietly to diffuse some of the awkwardness.

"We need to discuss boundaries, Tobin," Christen says as they begin to walk through the sand.

"What kind of boundaries?" Tobin tilts her head in confusion.

" _Tobin_ " Christen groans, and Tobin recognizes her tone as meaning that she's missing something obvious.

It's not a tone that she enjoys hearing, because it's usually followed up with a condescending explanation of everything she's missing, and it almost always ends with Tobin feeling bad about herself.

Christen knows that, so she tries her hardest to not be annoyed, because she doesn't want to upset Tobin. "We can't just go with no plans, you know?"

Tobin nods slowly. "Yeah. Yeah, that probably wouldn't be a good idea. I'll do whatever you want. I dragged you into this, so you should at least get to set the rules, or whatever."

"As much as I appreciate you being so compliant, we can't do that. We both need to agree on how we'll act," Christen says.

"But I just told you I'd do whatever? Isn't that me agreeing?" Tobin asks.

"So, by that standard, I could slap you in front of your parents, but follow it up with some line about how adorable you are, and you'd be fine with it?"

"Well, uh," Tobin rubs the back of her neck. "I kinda don't wanna be slapped, but if that's what you want, I won't stop you."

Christen halts, not having a response prepared for that. She should have known, though, because that's exactly how Tobin responded when she said she was leaving. She doesn't look nearly as defeated right now though, as she did four months ago.

"Christen? You okay?" Tobin asks. "You zoned out on me."

"Hmm, yeah, I'm fine. Sorry... But we need to actually talk about this. What aren't you comfortable with?"

Tobin shrugs. "I know you wanna have this be a joint decision, but I'm serious, Christen. I'm fine with however you want to play this. I'll tell you if I'm uncomfortable, but I think we should just act like we used to around my family."

Christen sighs. "Okay... We never used to like PDA much, so it'll be fine, then? We can act like we did back when we were teenagers, before we started dating?"

Tobin nods. "Sure, yeah."

There's a long pause, one that's too uncomfortable for Christen to not comment on.

"But, how are we going to do that if we can't be near each other without this awkwardness? I don't want to screw anything up for you, Tobin."

"Uh," Tobin takes a moment to think. "I... have an idea."

Christen raises an eyebrow, wary of what Tobin is about to suggest. "What is it?"

"Just... C'mere," Tobin takes a step closer to Christen, reaching out to wrap her arms around the other woman.

"Uh, Tobin?" Christen tenses. "What are you doing?"

"Put your arms around me, Christen," Tobin orders gently.

Christen does as she's told, slowly reaching out to return Tobin's embrace. "Why are we hugging?"

"We're going to stand here until we can be in each other's presence without feeling awkward," Tobin explains.

"Oh," Christen says. "That's actually a really good idea."

"Thanks, my mom used to make my siblings and I hug after we fought to resolve tension," Tobin says.

Christen lets out a small giggle, and Tobin grins, already feeling the iciness between them start to melt.

They stand there in the sand hugging for probably longer than necessary, but it still feels too short when they break apart.

"So, my only request is that we only act like we're together when there are other people around. When it's just the two of us, we have to have actual boundaries, you know? No unnecessary touching or anything like that, okay?" Christen feels the need to make sure that she and Tobin are on the same page, because she's spent the past few days attempting to come up with what she's comfortable with, and she decided that in order to protect her heart, she has to be the one to draw a clear line of where the pretending ends and the truth begins.

Tobin's mood drops at that, and even she isn't sure why. But she ignores the sadness creeping through her, because she knows that Christen's plan is probably for the best. "Yeah, of course."

"Great," Christen grins. "I'm glad we agree!"

"Yeah," Tobin says softly, a smile making its way onto her face. "Me too."

Because honestly, if she's going to go through this disaster of a trip with anyone, she's glad it's Christen, even if they're broken up.

They linger at the beach for a long while, just sitting in the sand. Then the sun starts to set, and they stay to watch it just for old time's sake. Most of their time is spent in silence, and for the first time in a while, there isn't any awkwardness in the air.

When they do finally decide to leave, Tobin drives Christen home, before she returns to her own apartment.

She walks in to find Kelley lounging on the couch, reading.

"Kel," Tobin flops onto one of the plush chairs in their living room. "I'm so screwed."

Kelley looks up from her book. "What happened? Is the team okay?"

"The team's fine," Tobin assures her. "Christen came to talk to me after practice. To set ground rules for the trip. It's gonna be the death of me man."

"Worse than the first time you met Alex?" Kelley asks.

Tobin nods, grimacing at the memory. "Yeah, man. Worse than that."

"Oh, shit, Tobs. I'll start planning your funeral?"

"What have I gotten myself into this time, and why didn't you stop me?"

"Hey!" Kelley protests. "I tried, okay? You didn't listen!"

Tobin shrugs, too tired to try and argue. She isn't prepared for what is going to happen in a week when she and Christen leave to go to New Jersey. She's almost never prepared for anything, anyways, but this seems like it's going to be one of the toughest weeks of her life. Being able to spend time with Christen freely might just make up for it, though.

* * *

 

_Christen's knee bounces like crazy as she sits at a table outside a nice café. She's nervous, but excited for what is about to happen, and it shows all over her face._

_"Christen, relax. Isn't your meditation supposed to keep you calm in situations like this?" Alex jokes from across the table._

_Christen focuses on keeping her knee still, but then she just begins to tap her fingers against the table instead, too excited to remain completely still._

_"Chris!"_

_Christen jumps up at the voice, a huge grin spreading across her face as she turns to the approaching woman. "Toby!"_

_She launches herself into her girlfriend's arms when the other girl is close enough._

_"I missed you, baby!" Christen whispers into Tobin's neck._

_"I missed you, too," Tobin presses a kiss to the side of Christen's head, squeezing her tightly for a long moment before setting Christen back onto her feet._

_"Toby, this is Alex. Lex, this is my Tobin," Christen introduces, rocking on her heels in a mix of excitement and nerves._

_It's really important to her that Tobin and Alex get along, because of how close she is to both of them._

_"It's nice to meet you," Tobin extends her hand for Alex to shake._

_"Likewise," Alex offers a tight-lipped smile, trying to size Tobin up._

_With the way that Christen talks about this girl, Alex had expected a different vibe, something other than the nonchalant one that Tobin sends off._

_The trio sits down at the table, and Christen scoots her chair as close to Tobin's as she can. They haven't seen each other in several months, not since Christen visited Tobin a few weeks after their fight. Alex knows this fact, so she doesn't make a comment on how disgustingly couple-y they are being._

_Christen leads the conversation, trying to incorporate both Tobin and Alex, but they just don't seem to be gelling the way she had hoped they would. She lets out a soft huff, and allows the conversation to drop._

_Alex notices Christen's defeated demeanor, and she waits a moment, glancing at Tobin to see if the other girl is going to try to cheer her girlfriend up, bot Tobin doesn't even seem to have noticed. That annoys Alex a little, because she can see how hard Christen has been trying, but she refuses to force a conversation if Tobin is just going to sit there zoned out._

_"I'll be right back," Christen stands abruptly, needing a moment to clear her mind._

_Alex watches as Tobin channels back into the real world, looking around confused when Christen is gone from the spot next to her._

_"Where did Chris go?"_

_"Maybe you'd know if you paid any attention," Alex scoffs._

_"Excuse me?" Tobin raises her eyebrows in surprise at Alex's rude response._

_"You've been sitting here staring off into space for the entire time you've been here. If you're like this all the time, then I have no idea how she's stayed with you all this time."_

_Tobin wants to stand up and start shouting at Alex. This girl who's been in Christen's life for a few short months feels like she has the right to insult Tobin like this? Tobin wants to put her in her place, but she refrains, because she knows it would make Christen upset and that is always the last thing she wants to do._

_So she takes a deep breath to steady herself, and tries to be as calm as possible as she responds. "Listen, Alex. Christen is my favorite person in this world. She's too good for me, sure, but I will spend as long as she lets me trying to make her as happy as I can. I just got off of a five-hour flight, and then a nearly hour long drive from the airport to my house, where all I did was shower so I could come meet my girlfriend at a café. I'm exhausted, but Christen asked me to do this so I did. What's important to her is important to me, and if you're her friend, then I'm going to try my hardest to make you not hate me. The rest is up to you."_

_Alex blinks a few times in surprise at Tobin's response. She wasn't expecting a long heartfelt spiel to come from the older girl. But she won't lie, it was a little impressive. Just enough for Alex to offer a curt nod and then a small smile._ This _is the girl that she expected to meet from all of Christen's stories._

_"So, Christen told me you're a forward on your school's team?" Tobin tries to start a conversation._

_Alex's smile breaks into a full force grin as she begins to talk about her sport._

_When Christen returns from the bathroom, she's expecting to return to tense silence. She isn't expecting to find her girlfriend and her friend in an animated conversation, but she can't help but smile as she slips back into her seat next to Tobin. She's glad that the two of them have started getting along._

_The smile barely leaves Christen's face, and her genuine happiness is what convinces her parents to let Tobin spend the night. That is, as long as Christen's door stays open-- Cody's rule._

_The duo is cuddled up in Christen's bed hours later, content to just be in each other's arms. Tobin insists she isn't tired, but she's half-asleep as they attempt to watch whatever's playing on Christen's TV._

_"Hey, Chris?" Tobin looks down at where Christen is buried in her arms._

_"Yeah?" Christen tilts her head up so that she can meet Tobin's eyes._

_Tobin takes a deep breath, trying to decide if she really wants to say the words that are on the tip of her tongue._

_Christen must sense her hesitation, because she shifts a little in Tobin's embrace so that they're faces are level. "You can say it, y'know. We're here, together, in each other's arms. Just like how it's supposed to be, right? You can say it, and then I can actually have the opportunity to say it back this time."_

_Tobin grins bashfully. "I- Christen, I love you."_

_Christen can't keep the smile off her face as she responds. "I love you too, Tobin."_

_Neither of them is certain who leans in first, but suddenly they're kissing and its soft and they're wrapped in each other's arms and they love each other and nothing will ever ruin this moment. Nothing will ever ruin their love for each other._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can find me on tumblr at llostt-in-ttranslationn


	6. Mistakes Have Been Made

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm super sorry that this update took forever! I've been busy with school and a whole bunch of other stuff. This chapter is going to be a bit on the shorter side, just so I could get something out there, and the second part of it will be the next chapter, which will hopefully be out by next weekend. Hope you enjoy!

As it gets closer and closer to the day that Tobin and Christen are supposed to leave, Tobin gets more and more nervous. Her mom calls her at least once a day to ask a random question or to remind her to pack. Her sisters text her frequently to inform her of how excited they are to see her and 'their future sister-in-law' which makes Tobin feel even worse.

The tipping point for her, however, is when she gets a text from Christen telling her that not only has her family been pestering her, but they've also been contacting Christen like crazy as well. She apologizes profusely, but Christen brushes it off. Tobin still feels bad, and she nearly confesses the truth to her mother the night before she and Christen fly out.

Kelley, fortunately, is around and prevents Tobin from ruing everything before it even begins, but Tobin lies in bed awake tossing and turning that night, even though she knows she has to get up early for the flight.

At around two, she sends a text to Christen.

**_Tobs [1:57am]_ ** _so i dunno when your gonna get this but ill pick you up at 5 so we can make our flight_

She isn't expecting a response for several hours, so she's startled when her phone goes off just moments later.

**_Pressy [1:58am]_ ** _Okay. Did you make sure you've packed everything?_

Tobin stares at the screen for a minute or two, before typing back a response.

**_Tobs [2:00am]_ ** _yea. kel helped me pack earlier_

**_Tobs [2:00am]_ ** _why are you still up?_

**_Pressy [2:01am]_ ** _Couldn't sleep. What about you?_

**_Tobs [2:01am]_ ** _same_

Tobin knows she shouldn't try to continue this conversation. She's overtired and nothing good every happens after two a.m., anyways. But she does.

**_Tobs [2:03am]_ ** _i miss you_

**_Pressy [2:03am]_ ** _You can't say that_

Tobin knows that. She tries to think of a response. Maybe an apology? But Christen has already responded.

**_Pressy [2:05am]_ ** _I miss you too._

**_Tobs [2:05am]_ ** _i cant sleep because im worried this trip is going to fuck everything up_

**_Pressy [2:06am]_ ** _Everything was fucked up a long time ago_

Tobin cringes, knowing the statement is true, but it leaves a sour taste in her mouth. She wishes things hadn't gone bad. She wishes that instead of Christen being alone across town, that she was wrapped up in Tobin's arms in their bed.

**_Pressy [2:07am]_ ** _I'm awake for the same reason_

**_Pressy [2:07am]_ ** _I know it's too late, but I'm sorry_

Tobin wants to tell Christen that it isn't too late, that it never could be, but she's already made so many bad decisions this month that she manages to refrain.

**_Tobs [2:10am]_ ** _i know you are. me too_

Tobin watches as the little typing dots appear and disappear several times before another text comes in.

**_Pressy [2:12am]_ ** _I'll see you at 5_

**_Tobs [2:13am]_ ** _i wont be late_

She stares down at her phone for another few minutes, just as unsettled, if not more so, than before.

Eventually, Tobin must fall asleep, because the next thing she knows, she's waking up at the shrill screech of her phone's alarm. She hasn't slept nearly long enough, barely two hours, but she doesn't want to be late in picking Christen up, so she drags herself out of bed, glad she had worn a hoodie and joggers to bed so she could just slip some flip-flops onto her feet and grab her bag and go.

The Lyft she ordered doesn't take long to arrive, and she gets to Christen and Alex's apartment just before five. She texts the younger woman that she has arrived, not wanting to go up and disturb any residents at this early hour.

She does, however, get out and help Christen put her suitcase in the car's trunk when Christen exits the building.

Christen is bleary-eyed and barely awake, but she offers a sleepy smile as she climbs into the car after Tobin.

At some point on the way to LAX, Christen ends up with her head on Tobin's shoulder, sleeping. Tobin doesn't wake her until they pull up outside the airport, secretly reveling in the feeling of being so close to the other woman and her familiar warmth.

She rubs Christen's arm softly, giving her a gentle shake.

"Mmm? Wha?" Christen sits up, looking around confused.

"We're at the airport," Tobin informs her quietly.

"Oh."

They manage to make it through security with relative ease, and they grab coffees for while they wait, even though they'll both probably try to sleep on the flight.

They board their plane at around eight, and soon they're in the air. Tobin conks out pretty quickly, but Christen just can't seem to find sleep, no matter how tired she is, much like the previous night of tumultuous rest she attempted to get.

Christen spends most of the flight silently freaking out about all the things that can go wrong during this trip. She wishes she hadn't answered that text a few weeks ago, because then she wouldn't be in this mess. She also wouldn't have been in this mess had she not fucked up four months ago, but that thought just spirals her into a deeper inner-freak out.

Tobin can tell something is wrong as soon as she wakes up. Christen is staring blankly at the seat in front of her, stiff. But Tobin can see the tremble in her hand as it grips her armrest tightly. Her first thought is that there might be bad turbulence, but the plane is flying smoothly.

"Christen?" Tobin questions softly, trying not to startle the other woman.

She gets no response, not even an acknowledgement that she was heard.

"Christen..." Tobin places a gentle hand over Christen's. "Hey, look at me."

She's startled at the manic look in Christen's eyes. They're glazed over with tears, a stormy grey instead of their usual vibrant green.

"What happened?" Tobin's thumb rubs gentle circles into Christen's wrist. "Christen. Take a deep breath and talk to me. Please."

The breath that Christen draws in is shaky. "I c-can't do this."

Tobin's pulse quickens, thumping harshly against her chest. She's heard those words from Christen before, though in a different context. "Can't do what?"

She thinks she knows, but she has to hear it from Christen.

"I don't- I can't- I-" Christen stumbles, unable to get the words out.

"Hey," Tobin soothes. "Shh, you're okay. You can say it."

Christen stares into familiar honey eyes, needing the reassurance from the other woman that things will be okay, no matter what she says.

Tobin gives a gentle squeeze to Christen's wrist, trying to convey how sincere she is in the fact that she won't be angry at whatever Christen says.

"There are just, _so_ many things that could go wrong. What if your parents already know and they call us out for lying? What if someone calls us out for being awkward? What if one of us messes up? What if I fuck everything up for you again?" Christen whimpers, tears beginning to slip out of her eyes.

"Oh, Chris," Tobin sighs. She pulls Christen into an embrace, a little uncomfortable due to the seats, but neither of them care.

Tobin doesn't really know how to actually respond. She wishes she hadn't put Christen in this position, but here they are. And honestly, it's probably a little too late for Christen to pull out, so Tobin needs to figure out some way to talk Christen down, and fast.

"Do you remember during your freshman year when the team made the playoffs and got to the championship game? Coach decided to start you over one of the senior forwards and everyone was shocked, because you were one of three freshmen on varsity. Do you remember?" Tobin asks, separating them so that she can make eye contact with Christen, who nods.

""Yeah... Why?"

"Do you remember what I told you before the game? When you were freaking out over starting. What did I tell you?" Tobin prompts.

Christen thinks back for a moment, trying to find the answer Tobin is looking for.

"You told me that all I had to do was be me. That I was good enough and that no matter what happened, we did it as a team and that's what was important."

Tobin nods, cracking a smile. "I want you to think the same thing for this trip. You're going to be fine, and nothing is going to go wrong, but even if it did, it doesn't matter. Because the two of us together is magic. Just like that day on the field. What was the outcome of that?"

"I got a hat-trick," Christen acknowledges with a small grin. "And you assisted two of my goals."

Tobin nods. "Don't worry about the trip, Christen. We were together for nearly a decade; we can handle one week. I promise everything will be fine."

Christen lets out a long breath, nodding. "Okay. Okay, yeah. Everything will be fine."

Tobin, too lets out a breath. She's surprised that she actually managed to calm Christen down, but it isn't actually that different than the many panic attacks that she witnessed Christen have while they were together.

There aren't any more disturbances during the flight, and they get out of the airport just fine, picking up a rental car and heading to the nearest café.

Christen decides to wait in the car while Tobin goes in and grabs something for them quick before they start the relatively short drive to Tobin's parents' house.

When Tobin gets back to the car a few minutes later, she has a confused look on her face as she hands Christen a coffee.

"You okay?" Christen questions.

Tobin blinks slowly, before nodding. "Uh, yeah. Sorry. I ran into one of my old friends and I think I just agreed to go out drinking with them tonight."

Christen lets out a small laugh. "Only you would be in town for ten minutes and already have made plans."

Tobin shrugs. "You'll come with me, right?"

Christen doesn't miss a beat. "Of course."

She's met with Tobin's bright grin in response.

The rest of the drive is mostly quiet, with Tobin concentrating on navigating the busy New Jersey roads, and Christen trying to keep herself from having another freak out about the week of lying and faking she'll have to do. The part that she's most worried about is the fact that at some points, she probably won't be faking anything.

Tobin pulls into her parents' drive way and shuts the car off, but she doesn't make a move to get out, so Christen remains, too.

"If at any point you don't think you can do this, come find me and we can get out for a while, okay?" Tobin reaches over and grabs Christen's hand.

Christen nods, eyes locked on their entwined hands.

"Christen," Tobin draws the other woman's attention to her eyes.

"Yeah?"

"You've got this. I believe in you," Tobin offers a squeeze to Christen's hand before pulling away and pushing her door open.

Christen follows suit, climbing out of the car as well.

Tobin waits for her in front of the car, arm outstretched, wiggling her fingers at Christen. Christen latches her own hand with Tobin's, soothed a little at having an anchor.

Tobin guides Christen up the path to the porch, and she uses her free hand to knock, squeezing Christen's hand in reassurance, telling her one more time that everything would be okay.

The door swings open, and a grinning four-year-old greets them.

"Aunties!" He shouts, launching himself at them.

Tobin catches him first, having to let go of Christen's hand to ensure her nephew doesn't fall to the ground.

"Careful, buddy," she tells him.

He pouts, but it only lasts a moment until his smile is back. He reaches out his arms toward Christen.

"Auntie Chris! Hold!"

Christen finds herself smiling as she takes the young boy into her arms.

"Cole! You know not to answer the door without mommy!"

Christen stiffens at the voice of Tobin's oldest sister, spotting her walking into the entryway.

"Sowwy, Mommy," Cole pouts again, burying his face in Christen's neck.

Katie sighs, shaking her head with a small smile. "Come on in guys. Sorry this little guy was too excited to wait."

"It's no problem," Christen says, following Tobin into the house.

"It’s good to see you guys," Katie continues. "Been a while."

"Yeah, sorry. We've been busy, y'know," Tobin shrugs. It isn't technically a lie. They both have been busy, just separately.

"Yeah, I'm sure. You're still in school for your PhD. in Psychology, right?"

Christen nods. "I don't have too long left, now," she isn't sure if she should mention the fact that she spent the last few months studying abroad, but she doesn't, just because that may be difficult to explain away later.

"Where is everyone?" Tobin wonders.

"Mom's in the kitchen with Per and Sara. I'm not sure where the guys went off to. If it wasn't freezing, I'd say they probably went fishing," Katie laughs.

"Aw, man. I wish it wasn't winter. Fishing sounds great," Tobin says.

Christen and Katie both laugh at Tobin's pout that looks quite similar to the one that's still on Cole's face.

"Cole, why don't you go find daddy and your uncles?" Katie suggests to the boy, whose eyes light up at the notion.

He squirms in Christen's arms until she places him on the ground.

"No running!" Katie calls after him as the little boy takes off through the house.

"Once we find the guys, they can help bring your bags to your room" Katie says.

Christen's eyes widen. She hadn't even realized that they would be sharing a room. She'd been so focused on other issues that sharing a room, _sharing a bed_ with Tobin hadn't even crossed her mind.

Tobin notices Christen beginning to panic, and throws her arm around the other woman's shoulders, tugging Christen close to her.

"I think we're gonna head upstairs for a bit," Tobin says. "Take a little while to rest quick? We had a stressful flight."

"Yeah, of course! You know where you're going! Just come down whenever, we'll all still be here," Katie sends them a bright smile, not fazed at all.

Tobin leads Christen up the stairs, and then down a hallway to the guest room she has claimed as her own over the years.

"You good?" Tobin asks after closing the door behind them.

Christen lets out a huff as she lets herself fall backwards onto the bed.

"Not really, but I'll live, I guess."

"That's the spirit," Tobin chuckles. "But seriously, thank you."

"It's fine, really. You don't have to keep thanking me," Christen says.

"I know," Tobin sits on the bed next to Christen. "But I'm going to anyways."

Christen lets out a little giggle, and then a yawn, feeling suddenly tired. "Wow, I need a nap."

"Go ahead. You didn't get much sleep last night, or on the flight I assume. I'll wake you up in a couple hours. When it's time to get ready to go out tonight?" Tobin suggests.

"Mmm... yeah, that works," Christen hums her agreement, eyes closed.

Tobin watches as Christen's breathing evens out, and she can't help but smile at how peaceful Christen looks. It’s the most peaceful she's looked all day.

A wave of sudden exhaustion floods over Tobin, too, and so she lays down and joins Christen in the land of dreams, hoping that maybe, somehow when she wakes up, her life will be as perfect as it is in the alternate reality conjured up by her mind.

* * *

 

_“Has anyone ever told you you’re awful at planning things?”_

_Tobin pouts, grumbling in protest. “You sound like Kelley. And I’ll have you know, Christen always loves what I plan!”_

_Alex laughs. “One of these days I’ll meet this mysterious ‘Kelley’ that you and Christen rave about.”_

_“I bet you two will get along,” Tobin says. “In fact, she’ll be at the party tonight, so you actually will meet her.”_

_“If you ever manage to get the party planned, that is,” Alex teases. “Why’d you wait so long to plan?”_

_“I didn’t even know I’d be able to be in town this weekend until like two days ago, cut me some slack,” Tobin says._

_“Oh, what was that? Did you say ‘thank you Alex, for clearing your schedule to help my lazy ass prepare for a party to surprise my girlfriend?’ Well, you’re quite welcome, Tobin.”_

_“Okay, okay! Thank you Alex. Can we please get back to planning though? Kelley can only keep Christen busy for a few more hours, and I have to be gone by then so she doesn’t know I’m here,” Tobin says._

_“Sure. Okay, so…”_

_Later that evening, Tobin, along with Alex and around twenty or thirty of Christen’s friends are all in the green-eyed girl’s house, waiting for her and Kelley to arrive home from their day out._

_When Tobin spots Christen’s car pulling into the driveway, she quickly shushes the room, not bothering to tell everyone to hide._

_She takes her place at the doorway of the living room, in plain sight of the front door. A bout of nerves pops up, because Christen isn’t really the type to like surprises. But she doesn’t have long to dwell, as there’s a jingling of keys and then the front door swings open._

_Christen is turned around talking to Kelley, who is behind her, so she lets out a little yelp of shock when a couple dozen people suddenly shout ‘Surprise!’ at her._

_Green eyes meet brown when Christen peers into her house. “Toby?”_

_Tobin grins, opening her arms just as Christen surges forward to launch herself at the other girl._

_“Hey, baby. Did you miss me?” It’s only been a few weeks since they last saw each other, but they tend to miss each other as soon as they part, so Christen nods her head vigorously, earning a chuckle out of Tobin._

_“I missed you too,” Tobin presses a short kiss to Christen’s lips, aware that there are many pairs of eyes on them._

_“Let’s get this party started then, shall we!” Kelley shouts. “Where’s the booze?”_

_Christen is grateful for Kelley pulling the attention away from her and Tobin, because with loud music beginning to blare throughout the house, she and Tobin can speak without being overheard._

_“I can’t believe you did this for me.”_

_“Of course I did, Chris. I know you don’t really like surprises, or parties, for that matter, but I didn’t think you’d mind this one,” Tobin says._

_“I love you,” is Christen’s only response before she crashes her lips into Tobin’s, unable to hold herself back any longer._

_“Hey! You! Yeah, you with the pretty eyes!” Alex turns to face whatever drunk bozo is approaching her, comeback on the tip of her tongue until she catches sight of said bozo and it fizzles out._

_“Woah.”_

_Though the word is soft, barely more than an exhale, the other girl hears her and offers a self-satisfied smirk at the reaction_

_“You’re Alex, right? Press’s girl…”_

_“Well, Tobin is Press’s girl, but yeah, I’m Christen’s friend. And you are?” Alex giggles, a little more than tipsy herself._

_“’m Kel-ley. And you’re hot.”_

_Alex grins. “I know.”_

_“Can I make you a drink?” Kelley asks._

_Alex glances down to her cup that’s nearly empty, knowing that letting this girl who is clearly flirting with her get her a drink is probably a bad idea, but she nods anyways, a little too drunk to care._

_Kelley offers a hand to Alex, and Alex latches on, allowing Kelley to lead her to the kitchen. A small voice in the back of Alex’s head warns her that this night isn’t going to end well if she gets more drunk with a hot girl. That she should ditch Kelley and call her boyfriend. But Alex just throws back a shot of whatever Kelley pours, laughing at nothing with a girl she barely knows._

_She’s going to regret this in the morning, but the prospect of having a fun night is too much for Alex’s drunk brain to turn down._

_So, later in the night, she doesn’t resist when Kelley leans in to kiss her, and she follows the shorter girl upstairs to one of the spare rooms._

_When she wakes up in the morning, hungover, but with a mostly complete memory of the night before, she vows to do everything in her power to keep away from Kelley O’Hara for the foreseeable future. And so she slips out of bed, hoping that she hasn’t just fucked up her whole entire life by cheating on her boyfriend with her best friend’s oldest friend._

_The knowing looks she gets from Tobin and Christen as she passes them in the dining room on her way out, however, tell her that yeah, she probably made a massive mistake._

_They seem to have had a better night than she did, though. The lovey looks on their faces tells her that at least they are fully committed to each other and don’t plan on ever being as stupid as she is and possibly ruining their relationship over something stupid._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you want to encourage me to update or hear about why it takes me forever, you can find me on tumblr at llostt-in-ttranslationn.


	7. All We Need Is Love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter comes a few days earlier than I thought courtesy of LANY's new album. If you ever need anything to listen to while reading this, their new album (or any of their music, really) is definitely a good choice. This is a continuation of the last chapter in both the actual story-line and the flashback, so keep that in mind. If things seem like there's a disconnect or anything it's because I wrote the beginning of the chapter and then the end (not the flashback) and tried to bridge it together with the middle part. Things are going to start picking up from here, so I hope you enjoy!

“I can’t believe you let your friends rope you into a night out on your first night home,” Christen says as she applies a light amount of makeup.

“I know,” Tobin agrees, trying to decide between wearing flip flops or a pair of Nikes. “Hey, what shoes do you think I should wear?”

“Tobin, it’s like twenty degrees outside. You should probably be wearing boots. Why did you even pack flip flops?” Christen shakes her head at the other woman with a small, affectionate grin.

“I dunno. You know I hate shoes,” Tobin shrugs.

She slips her feet into the Nikes, realizing that Christen is right that she definitely should not be wearing flip flops outside in the frigid New Jersey winter.

“You don’t have to come if you don’t want to, y’know. I don’t mind going alone,” Tobin says quietly after a few moments.

“I know,” Christen meets Tobin’s eyes for a short moment before looking back at the mirror in front of her. “But you shouldn’t have to go alone, and I’m not sure I’d do too well being stuck here alone with your family, so…”

Tobin nods, but doesn’t continue the conversation further. She waits in quiet impatience for Christen to finish her makeup, glad the other woman decided against straightening her hair. They say a quick goodbye to Tobin’s parents on their way out, taking their rental car because they don’t plan on getting completely wasted tonight.

“I’ll go grab us some drinks. You find your friends,” Christen says when they enter the bar, letting her hand brush Tobin’s back as she passes by the other woman to head to the bar, Tobin going in the other direction in search of her friends.

“Tobs! You made it!”

Tobin offers a smile to her old friends.

“There’s this total babe I can set you up with man. You won’t even be thinking about you know who ever again,” One of them chips in.

Tobin freezes, offering a forced laugh. Since when did her friends in Jersey know she and Christen had broken up? Does that mean there is a chance that it could make its way to her family?

“Oh, uh, about that…” Tobin doesn’t even get the chance to finish, because her friends’ eyes widen, focused on something behind her.

“Hey, sorry it took me so long, the bartender was kind of a dick,” Christen places a drink down in front of Tobin, sliding into the empty seat next to her. She notices the stares of Tobin’s friends, and gives them a confused smile, quirking her eyebrow at Tobin.

“Didn’t you guys break up?”

Christen laughs nervously, but waits for Tobin to answer.

“Um… no. Where’d you hear that from?”

“Oh, we just thought…” There’s an awkward pause. “Nevermind then, I guess.”

“So,” Christen takes control of the conversation. “How have you guys been? It’s been ages since the last time I saw you all.”

Tobin has to smile as Christen interacts with her old friends, seamlessly incorporating herself into conversation while also making sure to include Tobin.

The rest of the night goes well, serving as good practice for Tobin and Christen to pretend to be together. They drop a “babe” here or a subtly placed hand there, trying to get back into the rhythm of being together again.

When they get back to Tobin’s parents’ place, they quietly (Tobin is quiet anyways, Christen bumps into every surface possible) make their way upstairs to their room. They get ready for bed in silence, still tipsy from their time at the bar, Christen much more so than Tobin, who had driven them after only having one drink at the very beginning of the night.

Christen is the first to climb (stumble) into bed, and Tobin hesitates. She _really_ doesn’t want to sleep on the floor, but she also doesn’t want to make Christen uncomfortable by being too close to her.

Christen makes the decision for her, smiling in the way she always does when she’s had just enough to drink to cloud her judgement. “Come to bed, Toby.”

That should discourage Tobin even more, but it doesn’t (she blames her one drink for her ignoring the reasonable part of her brain) and she scoots under the covers beside Christen. The darker haired girl instantly moves closer and cuddles into Tobin’s side.

Tobin freezes at the contact, but she relaxes at the familiarity of it. Christen buries her face into Tobin’s neck, and Tobin swears she feels the other girl place a kiss on her neck.

It takes Tobin longer than she’d like to fall asleep. Christen hadn’t moved for over an hour, and Tobin just wants to keep the other woman in her arms for as long as possible, because she’s not sure if or when it’ll happen again.

Christen is the first one to wake up the next morning, a slight pounding in her head and the feeling of cotton in her mouth. She’s warm and nuzzled into something soft, making her never want to move. She snuggles deeper into what she assumes is her pillow.

Her eyes snap open when her pillow gives a soft groan. Even though the room is darkened by the curtains hanging over the window, Christen has to squint against the light to make out the fact that her “pillow” was indeed not a pillow at all and is instead her ex-girlfriend.

She tenses, before forcibly relaxing her body and trying to wiggle away without waking Tobin. It works, and soon Christen is standing next to the bed instead of lying on it. She isn’t sure what to do now, because she doesn’t really want to wander downstairs and be forced to interact with Tobin’s family, but she doesn’t really want to stay in the room.

Finally deciding to shower in the bathroom across the hall, Christen gathers some clothes from her bag, finding clean towels in the closet at the end of the hall before locking herself in the bathroom, stripping out of her clothes, and cranking the knob to just about as hot as it will go.

Tobin wakes up alone. It’s a familiar sensation, but she had almost expected for Christen to still be next to her when she woke up this time. She lets out a deep sigh. They haven’t even been at this a whole day, and she’s already exhausted from trying to figure out which emotions are real and which she is (or should be) faking.

She can’t stand her thoughts anymore, so she fumbles around searching for her phone, letting out a quiet whoop when she finally finds it.

Tobin isn’t quite sure what time it is back in California, but she knows it’s probably too early. She pulls up the contact anyways, and barely hesitates before pressing the ‘call’ button.

The line rings several times, and just as Tobin resigns herself to the fact that she must be sleeping, the line picks up.

_“’lo?”_

“Hey, Kel,” Tobin greets. “Sorry if I woke you up.”

 _“’s fine. I wasn’t… I wasn’t sleeping,”_ Kelley rasps out, taking in a gasp of air.

“You okay?” Tobin asks, confused at Kelley’s out of breath status.

_“Mmm… yeah. Oh, fuck. Yeah, I-I’m fine.”_

Tobin isn’t even close to convinced, but she ignores the part of her that wants to push Kelley on what she’s doing.

“Kel, I’m so fucked. I don’t know how I’m gonna pull this off without doing something stupid,” Tobin admits.

_“Shit, bro. I’m a lit-le b-busy right now, do you, uh, mind if I call you back? Fuck.”_

Tobin is about to complain when she hears a moan on the other line, and then she quickly changes her mind, her face heating up at the thought of what (or who) Kelley is probably doing right now.

“Um, yeah, sure. Sorry to interrupt,” Tobin hangs up quickly, not feeling any better about the remainder of the week.

She’s still feeling embarrassed a few minutes later when Christen finally enters the room, hair still damp from her shower.

“Oh, you’re up!” Christen says.

“Yeah.”

It’s silent for a moment, before Christen speaks up. “I thought taking a shower might help with my hangover,” she explains.

“Oh, did you find any aspirin in the medicine cabinet?” Tobin checks.

Christen nods, walking further into the room. “I’m actually surprised you’re up so early.”

Tobin shrugs. “Busy day ahead. Better to be up to prepare, I guess.”

“Yeah.”

Neither of them speaks again, they just maintain eye contact for a minute until there’s a knock on the door, and they’re being summoned down to breakfast.

The day is in fact a busy one, with Tobin’s nephews running around causing trouble, joined by her little cousins later in the day when more of her family comes over.

No one seems to suspect that anything is off between Tobin and Christen until the early evening. The duo had spent the majority of the day apart, with Tobin watching soccer with the guys and Christen playing with the kids, but they thought they’d done a pretty good job at casually touching and sending smiles at each other across the room.

Tobin’s aunt, however, doesn’t seem to agree.

“Is something wrong between you and my niece?” She asks Christen, approaching the other woman who’s seated in the quiet dining room.

Christen looks up from the baby she’s holding. “Uh, what?”

“You and Tobin. You’ve barely been near each other all day. What has she done this time? Do I need to get Cindy to talk to her?”

“Oh, no!” Christen says. “There’s nothing wrong. I’m just letting her spend time with you guys. She only gets to see everyone once a year so I didn’t want to interrupt anything or get in the way.”

Tobin’s aunt narrows her eyes, but nods. “I suppose. You let me know if that niece of mine pulls any ridiculous stunts though. We both know she can be a little wild sometimes, but you’re really good for her,” the woman laughs, and Christen forces a smile, trying not to feel awkward.

She chats with Tobin’s aunt for a little while longer, before the older woman spots her kid trying to shove something up his nose and she has to run off to stop him.

Christen looks back down to the infant in her arms, seeing the little girl sleeping peacefully.

“I wish everything was as easy for me as it is for you, little one,” Christen sighs.

“Cute kid,” a masculine voice says from somewhere to Christen’s left.

Christen is ninety percent sure she’s never seen this guy before, and she’s met most of Tobin’s relatives through the years. “Uh, yeah, she’s not mine though.”

“I didn’t think so. You look too young to have kids, and you’re far too fit to have just given birth,” the man says, and Christen instantly dislikes his tone.

“Who are you, again?” She asks, wondering exactly what this man wants from her.

“I’m Aaron. Family friend. What about you, gorgeous? I think I’d remember seeing someone as gorgeous as you before,” he looks like the type of guy to try and kiss her hand instead of shake it, and Christen is glad she needs both her arms to hold the baby, because she would not enjoy that at all.

“She’s my girlfriend, dickhead. And it be great if you’d back the fuck off!”

“Tobin!” Christen scolds without turning to face the woman behind her. “Little ears!”

Aaron’s face turns red, more with anger than embarrassment. “I highly doubt little brace-face Toby could grow up and get a girl this hot,” he scoffs.

Christen doesn’t even have to turn around to see the angry look on Tobin’s face.

“Really?” Tobin questions, and Christen feels her step closer. “What do I gotta do, prove it?”

“Yeah, actually,” Aaron challenges.

“What are we, middle schoolers?” Tobin chuckles dryly.

She moves her body around Christen though, making eye contact with the other woman for only a short moment before leaning down and smashing her lips against Christen’s.

Christen’s eyes widen, before slipping shut as she gets used to Tobin kissing her again after months apart.

The moment ends too soon for both their likings, and Aaron is standing slack-jawed across from them.

“She’s mine,” Tobin grits out. “Find someone else to fuck with.”

Aaron looks to Christen for confirmation, but all Christen can do is stare at the side of Tobin’s face, her clenched jaw making Christen think thoughts she should not be having of her ex, especially not with a baby in her arms.

Aarons scoffs. “Unbelievable,” and he stalks away, his ego damaged.

Tobin doesn’t look at Christen, already feeling embarrassed about her possessiveness, because Christen isn’t hers, not anymore, and she most definitely should not have just done that.

Luckily, Tobin is pulled away by Cole, and no further mishaps occur for the rest of the time her family remains at the house.

“So, uh, about earlier…” Tobin scratches the back of her neck, trying to hide her discomfort as she awkwardly enters the room and perches on the edge of the bed, facing Christen’s back.

“Tobin, it’s okay. I don’t mind,” Christen says, digging through her suitcase and avoiding Tobin’s gaze.

“Really?” Tobin questions. “Because you’ve been acting weird ever since I kissed you.”

Christen shrugs, still not facing the other woman. “I get it, you felt like you needed to prove something. That’s why I’m here, isn’t it?”

“Christen…” Tobin sighs. “I’m sorry.”

Christen stops what she’s doing at Tobin’s deflated tone, finally turning around, but now Tobin’s the one looking away, staring across the room at some spot on the wall.

Christen shuffled over to the bed slowly, sitting on the bed in front if Tobin, one leg dangling off the side, the other curled under her.

“Look, Tobin. I don’t mind if you kiss me. I know what I agreed to when I said I’d come here with you. I was just surprised, that’s all. It’s been kind of a while since we kissed, and I wasn’t expecting it,” Christen admits.

Tobin nods slowly, eyes dropping to her hands in her lap. “I’m sorry.”

“What for?” Christen scrunches her eyebrows in confusion.

Tobin shrugs. “I dunno. Lots of stuff, I guess.”

“I think we both need to stop apologizing,” Christen says. “The past happened, yeah, but we can’t change it. The only thing we can do is be better in the future.”

Tobin looks up, meeting Christen’s eyes. There are so many things she wants to say, but looking into Christen’s gorgeous eyes short circuits her brain, and her thoughts fizzle away before they can escape her mouth. She hopes Christen can understand them though; the other woman always was good at figuring Tobin out with just a look at her eyes.

They hold eye contact for a few long and intense moments, before Christen can’t take it anymore.

“Tobin?”

“Yeah?”

“I’m gonna do something now, and I want you to stop me if you think it’s a bad idea, okay?” Christen says.

“Okay?” Tobin agrees, unsure.

Christen reaches out and places a hand on Tobin’s cheek, ghosting her thumb over Tobin’s bottom lip. She shouldn’t do this. She _really_ shouldn’t do this. They still have a full week of this trip left to deal with. If she had any common sense, she wouldn’t do this to herself or Tobin. She’s gonna do this.

Christen ignores the warning alarms going off in her head as she leans in slowly, giving Tobin plenty of time to pull away if she wants to, but the other woman doesn’t. In fact, Tobin angles her head slightly, wanting this just as much as Christen does.

Their lips meet, and the overpowering feeling of coming home washes over both women. Christen lets out a soft whimper, so overwhelmed at the sensation of Tobin’s lips on her after four months apart.

Tobin pulls back quickly, eyes wide. “Are you okay?”

Christen blinks her eyes open slowly, and Tobin gulps at her wide-blown pupils. “I missed that.”

Tobin doesn’t respond verbally, but she tries to convey her agreement with another kiss. This one is more intense than the previous one, and hands quickly begin to wander.

“Tobin…” Christen breaths out, pulling away. “We shouldn’t.”

“I know,” Tobin agrees.

But they do. Neither of them knows who leans in against first, but soon clothes are being shed and quiet moans fill the room. They’ll probably (definitely) regret this in the morning, but right now they’re going to enjoy being with each other again, even if they can barely look at each other for the rest of the week.

* * *

 

_“Do you know what’s up between Alex and Kelley? They were talking last night and they seemed to get along really well, but they didn’t even look at each other at brunch today?” Christen questions Tobin as they lie cuddled in her bed._

_Tobin shrugs. “Kel didn’t tell me anything. Maybe they got into a fight over Barca or Madrid last night or something.”_

_Christen lets out a small giggle. “I hope they work it out. It would suck if they hate each other and we can’t all hang out at the same time.”_

_“Totally,” Tobin agrees. “Like, I got over the fact that you like the devil’s team, I’m sure Alex can do the same for Kelley.”_

_Christen laughs again, burying her face in Tobin’s neck. “Be serious, Toby!”_

_“Oh I’m dead serious, Babe. There was like a good three days where I thought I might have to never speak to you again when you told me you like Real Madrid,” Tobin grins, even though Christen can’t see her face from her position._

_“Well I felt the same way when I found out you’re an Arsenal fan. My Chelsea heart broke a little,” Christen teases back._

_“Oh, right, I nearly forgot. Ew, you like_ both _the devil’s teams. I may have to reconsider my previous decision to have you in my life,” Tobin chuckles._

_“Like you could go longer than a week without talking to me,” Christen scoffs._

_“You’re right,” Tobin mutters. “There’s no way I’d ever be able to even break up with you. Those green eyes or yours are my weakness, Babe. One look and you’ve got me under your spell.”_

_“And you’d do anything I want, wouldn’t you?” Christen’s voice drop an octave, and it shoots straight through Tobin._

_“I’ll always do anything you want, Chris. You name it and I’ll do it,” Tobin says._

_Christen sits up, turning so she can face Tobin. “I love you so much.”_

_“I love you too, always,” Tobin leans forward and presses their lips together._

_The kiss is soft at first, just they two of them conveying how much they truly love each other through actions instead of words. But then Christen is swinging one leg over Tobin’s lap and straddling her. It doesn’t take long after that for Tobin’s hands to slip under Christen’s shirt, slowly dragging it up until Christen nips at her bottom lip impatiently, pulling away to mumble an “off” and gasp in a breath._

_Tobin complies, because truly she can’t say no to Christen, and she takes a moment to appreciate Christen’s body. It’s not even close to the first time she’s seen Christen topless, and she’s seen her in a lot less, too, but any amount of Christen’s cinnamon skin that only she gets to see takes her breath away._

_“Fuck you’re gorgeous, Chris.”_

_“I bet you’d think I’m even more gorgeous if you took my bra off,” Christen rasps out, still trying to catch her breath._

_“Hey, Christen, look at me,” Tobin commands softly. She continues when Christen complies. “I always think you’re gorgeous. When you’re naked, when you’re in one of those fancy dresses you say you hate but secretly love, when you’re wearing one of my oversized hoodies, always. I just want you to know that, okay?”_

_Christen nods. “I know. I feel the same way, Baby. I just really need you to fuck me right now.”_

_Even if Tobin wasn’t satisfied with Christen’s response, who is she to deny her girl pleasure?_

_The rest of the evening passes in a blur of soft (and loud) moans, slow (and fast) hands, and lots of worshiping of the human body._

_Tobin stays true to her word and does everything Christen asks for (even if she takes a little longer than Christen would like at some points) and she’s fully content with the fact that she’s going to spend the rest of her life being able to do this with Christen. There’s nothing that she can think of that would make her want to stop loving Christen, and she’s pretty confident that nothing will come up to change that. She’s going to marry this girl one day, no matter what._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my tumblr is llostt-in-ttranslationn if you have anything you want to say about this chapter or future ones.


	8. This Won't End Well

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! So sorry it's been so long, but life's been kinda crazy lately. I actually wasn't going to update tonight but the epic comeback from the USWNT vs Brazil really got me going, so you can thank Christen Press for sparking this update with her goal that sparked the comeback. I hope you enjoy, even though it's a little messy and not properly edited.

Tobin returns to consciousness first. Christen has an arm wrapped around her midsection from behind body pressed against her, and Tobin listens intently, trying to determine if Christen is still asleep or not.

She determines that she is, until there’s a quiet groan. Tobin slams her eyes shut, pretending to be asleep. Maybe Christen will slip out of bed like she did yesterday morning and they won’t have to talk about this.

Christen does pull her arm away from Tobin, but she doesn’t leave the bed. Tobin hears some shuffling, and then a quiet sniffle. “Tobin?”

Tobin doesn’t move, hardly even breathes. She _really_ doesn’t want to talk right now.

“Toby?”

_Shit! She sounds like she’s about to cry._

Tobin opens her eyes slowly, rolling over to face her beautiful ex-girlfriend.

Christen’s eyes are misty with unshed tears, and she’s got the comforter clutched to her chest.

“I’m sorry,” Christen mumbles. “Last night– I’m sorry.”

Tobin lets a quiet sigh slip from her lips, rubbing her face with her hand. This is not how she wants to spend her morning. “It’s fine, Christen.”

“No,” Christen shakes her head quickly. “It’s not. I can’t- We shouldn’t-”

Tobin sits up, reaches a hand out to try and comfort Christen, but pulls it back at the last second, thinking better of it. “Shh, Christen. It’s okay. You’re okay, I promise. Everything is fine.”

“No, Tobin,” Christen whimpers, trying to blink back tears. “I’m so sorry.”

“Chris,” Tobin sighs again, reaching over this time to put her hand on what she hopes is Christen’s knee through the blankets. “You don’t need to be sorry. I’m not mad. If I didn’t want to sleep with you, I wouldn’t have, okay? You didn’t do anything wrong.”

“Not this time,” Christen says bitterly, tears spilling onto her cheeks.

“Hey,” Tobin uses her free hand to swipe some of the hot tears off Christen’s cheek. “No more apologizing for that, remember? We both did some shitty things, but that’s in the past, all we have is the future.”

“Why can’t I do anything right for once?” Christen questions, more to herself than to Tobin, but that doesn’t stop Tobin from hearing.

Tobin doesn’t remember Christen being this insecure. Sure, the other woman has always needed a little extra validation sometimes, her anxiety telling her that she’s not good enough, but it never seemed this bad. Tobin doesn’t know what happened to her in Sweden, but something must have had to happen over there to make her this upset over hardly anything.

“Take a deep breath, Christen,” Tobin says. She waits until Christen complies before continuing. “This isn’t going to affect us, okay? Think of it as a free pass. Anything that happens here is part of the guise, okay? We can talk when we get back to California if you really want to, but right here, right now, we’re together. No one here knows anything else, so why should we act any different just because it’s not entirely true?”

She knows this is a bad idea, but having a taste of being with Christen again has made her more irrational than even her carefree self usually is. She’s going to try to extend this at any cost.

Christen nods slowly. “Okay.”

“Okay?” Tobin repeats.

“Yeah,” Christen confirms.

“Everything’s okay. You’re fine. This is fine,” Tobin says.

“Everything’s fine,” Christen agrees.

“Good,” Tobin strokes Christen’s cheek gently with her thumb, wiping away the remainder of her tears. “No more crying. You know I hate seeing you upset.”

Christen turns her face, nuzzling into Tobin’s palm, pressing a kiss to it.

They both know that this whole “no rules” plan is going to be bad for them in the long run. But neither of them care enough to argue that they shouldn’t do it. They’re not strong enough to fight their emotional need for each other.

“Come here,” Tobin says softly, opening her arms for Christen to crawl into. She pulls Christen close, burying her nose in the other woman’s hair, relishing in the skin on skin contact.

“Everything’s okay. I’ve got you,” Tobin reassures quietly, and she’s not certain it’s entirely meant just for Christen at this point.

The remain like that for several minutes, until Christen is feeling calmer. She doesn’t move even when her panic subsides, taking full advantage of this new occurrence where she’s suddenly allowed to do this sort of thing again.

“Chris?” Tobin says softly, distancing herself from the other woman so they can make eye contact.

“Yeah?” Christen asks.

“I-” Tobin cuts herself off, thinking better of what she was going to say. “I’m glad you agreed to come here with me.”

“Me too,” if Christen notices Tobin’s hesitation, she doesn’t mention it.

Eventually, they do have to shower and get ready for the day, joining Tobin’s parents for brunch, where they’re visibly less awkward around each other, not that either of Tobin’s parents notice a change.

The day is noticeably quieter than the previous one, and about halfway through the afternoon, Christen finds herself upstairs in her an Tobin’s room. Even though just Tobin’s parents and siblings were around today, she still felt like she needed a little break after her emotional meltdown that morning.

Christen decides to give Alex a call, because the other woman generously offered to watch Morena while she was away and Christen misses her baby.

The line rings for a few long moments before it’s picked up.

_“Hey, Press.”_

“Alex!” Christen chirps out. She’s really glad the other woman answered the phone.

_“Well, yeah, I am the one you called,”_ Alex chuckles. _“What’s up? How’s the trip? How’re things with Tobin? Tell me!”_

“Oh…” Christen begins to regret her decision. “Things are, um, fine?”

_“Christen._ _What did you do?”_

“Uh, Tobin?” Christen answers.

_“Christen!”_ Alex screeches on the other line. _“That_ so _does not fit the plan!”_

“I know!” Christen lets out a sigh. “It gets worse though.”

_“What? How?”_

“We talked this morning… and we’re not gonna stop _this_ …” Christen mumbles.

Alex is quiet for a long moment, and Christen almost checks to see if she’s still on the line.

_“Christen, you’re my best friend, and I love you. But you’re making a mistake.”_

“Alex…” Christen feels tears welling up in her eyes. “I need you to support me on this. I don’t know what I’m doing.”

Alex sighs. _“Christen…”_ she hesitates. _“You know I support everything you do. Even this, if it’s what you want. But you need to be careful. Both of your hearts are at risk with this, and I know you don’t care about what happens to you, but don’t hurt her. You’ll never forgive yourself if you do.”_

Christen takes a moment to think about what Alex is saying. She would never intentionally hurt Tobin, but she’s already broken her promise to not cause her any pain. Does she really trust herself to keep Tobin’s heart intact? Is it even still in one piece?

“I can’t say no to her, Lex. I don’t want to. I-”

Christen cuts herself off when the bedroom door swings open, Tobin stumbling inside with a sheepish grin.

She mouths _‘sorry’_ when she notices Christen is on the phone, but she must notice the tears still clouding Christen’s eyes, because she scrambles over anyways and practically throws herself onto the bed next to Christen.

“I gotta go, Alex. I’ll talk to you later,” Christen says quickly, ending the call even though Alex has begun speaking.

“What is it? What happened?” Tobin questions, pressing what she hopes is a soothing hand to Christen’s back and rubbing small circles.

Christen’s heart soars and breaks at the same time. She can’t believe she was stupid enough to give Tobin up but she loves that she’s with her now, at least for a little while.

She doesn’t realize that tears have begun to drip down her cheeks until she feels Tobin’s thumb brushing them away softly.

“Chris, baby. Shh, you’re okay. Use your words, please,” Tobin begs.

“I-” Christen chokes out. “I’m sorry.”

Tobin wraps her arms around Christen, allowing the other woman to cry into her neck.

She almost says something, almost reminds Christen one more time that she has nothing to be sorry for, but she doesn’t. It obviously isn’t helping Christen, so why keep repeating it?

Instead, Tobin waits for Christen to calm down before speaking.  

"Chris, what's wrong?"

Christen shakily takes a deep breath, holding it in for a few moments before exhaling. "I just- I..." She can't form her thoughts into a coherent string of words. "Will you just hold me a little longer?"

"Of course," Tobin agrees instantly, never one to deny Christen anything.

Christen remains in Tobin's embrace for several more minutes, with the older woman humming softly and gently rocking them to sooth Christen.

"I'm sorry I'm such a mess," Christen murmurs into Tobin's neck.

"I don't know what you just said but it sounded like an apology so I don't want to hear it," Tobin tells her.

Christen lets out a tiny giggle, and Tobin grins.

"Do you wanna do something tonight?" Tobin wonders. "Maybe it'll get your mind of whatever and make you feel better."

Christen nods and mumbles something that Tobin takes as an affirmative.

"Good. I know just what we can do."

“Really, Tobin?” Christen shakes her head in amusement a few hours later.

“Hey!” Tobin protests. “You were the one that said you didn’t want to leave the house, okay! I had to improvise.”

Christen did indeed beg Tobin to not take her out into the frigid winter night, and Tobin was a good sport about it, creating a pillow fort in the basement of her parents’ house where she and Christen could spend the night watching movies and maybe cuddling.

“Thank you, Tobin. You didn’t have to do all this,” Christen offers a soft smile to the other woman, placing a gentle hand on her arm.

Tobin shrugs shyly, staring down at the ground so she doesn’t have to see the genuine look on Christen’s face. It might be too much for her to control herself and she doesn’t want to startle Christen by coming on too strong.

They crawl into the fort, and Tobin grabs the remote for the TV she had dragged in so they could watch it.

She puts on a movie, allowing Christen to snuggle into her side as they lean against the many pillows she collected for them.

They only actually end up watching the first twenty minutes or so, because in true Tobin fashion, she gets bored quickly.

Christen is enthralled in the movie already, but Tobin’s constant fidgeting and shifting around means that Christen can’t completely focus. She tries to watch the movie for another few minutes, struggling to ignore the woman next to her, until finally, she turns to face Tobin.

“Can you like, be still?” Christen wonders, sitting up so she can make eye contact with Tobin.

“Chris, I’m bored,” Tobin complains with a pout.

Christen rolls her eyes. “This was your idea, Tobin.”

“Make out with me instead?” Tobin suggests. “Like we used to do.”

“Tobin…” Christen whines. “I want to watch the movie. It’s interesting.”

“But I wanna put my tongue in your mouth.”

Tobin’s pout intensifies, and Christen sighs, glancing at the TV wistfully before turning back to Tobin.

“This is why I never had any idea what our friends were talking about when they discussed movies. You never let me finish them!” Christen accuses.

“I never heard you complain,” Tobin shoots back.

“It was hard to complain when your tongue was in my mouth!” Christen huffs.

Tobin grins, and now it’s Christen’s turn to pout.

“I meant-”

Tobin cuts her off. “You meant that you could never complain because I’m so awesome at kissing?”

“No, I meant I physically could not produce words when you were smothering me with your face!” Christen corrects.

“Bet.”

“Tobin!”

Tobin’s grin returns. “ _Please_ make out with me?”

Christen sighs, struggling to contain her smile. “ _Fine_. If I must.”

Tobin doesn’t waste any more time. She reaches out and tugs Christen close to her again, this time, however, instead of next to her, the curly-haired woman ends up on her lap with a soft squeal at the unexpected movement.

Tobin has to fight off a grin as she presses her lips against Christen’s. She’s missed this so much, and being able to kiss Christen whenever she wants is such an amazing feeling that she never wants to end.

Hands are just beginning to wander when they’re startled out of their kiss by the sudden ringing of a phone.

Tobin lets out a groan very different from the quiet moans that had slipped out of her mouth in the past few minutes. “Just ignore it,” she leans back in, trying not to let the moment slip away.

Christen tries her best, she really does, but she can’t fully commit herself to kissing Tobin when someone might need something important, so she pulls away once again as the phone continues to blare from somewhere in the mess of blankets.

She fumbles around searching for it, realizing that it isn’t hers just as she hits the answer button and lets out a slightly annoyed and very out of breath “hello?”.

Tobin’s wide eyes meet hers as they quickly check to see what contact name is displayed on the phone.

_“Christen? Is that you? What are you doing answering Tobin’s phone?”_

 The duo just stare at each other with wide eyes in a mix of shock and horror; their chests still rising and falling quickly, heartbeats only speeding up with nerves.

_“Christen? Dude, what the hell?”_

“Uh, hey Kelley,” Christen clears her throat nervously.

_“Where’s Tobin? Is she okay?”_

“I’m fine, Kel. What’s up?” Tobin tightens her grip on Christen, mostly to ground herself but also to ensure the other woman doesn’t flee in embarrassment.

_“What are you two doing? Why do you sound so out of breath and shaky? Did I interrupt something?”_ Her tone is more curious than accusatory, but it still makes Christen feel guilty for some reason.

“No!” Christen says quickly at the same time Tobin answers, “Yes.”

Christen can feel a panic attack creeping up. She’s not ready for anyone to know what they’re doing yet, if at all. Tobin reads the situation quickly, and moves one hand to gently rub up and down the length of Christen’s back to try and calm her down.

“We’re in the middle of a pretty intense game of Twister with my nephews and little cousins,” Tobin lies. “We had to rush away pretty quick to answer your call. Did you need something, by the way?”

Kelley is quiet on the other line for a moment, probably trying to figure out if she should call Tobin on her dishonesty or not. She doesn’t. _“Oh, actually I was just calling you back. You wanted to talk yesterday, but I was a little_ occupied _. Everything good?”_

Tobin avoids Christen’s gaze. “Everything’s fine. I don’t even remember what I was bothered about. Probably lost a shoe or something.”

_“Really? You seemed pretty upset,”_ Kelley’s confusion is obvious, and the two other woman can picture her furrowed eyebrows and confused head tilt.

“Yeah, yep. I’m sure. We should probably get back, but I’ll call you if I remember,” Tobin says quickly, trying to end the call before Kelley can reveal anything else.

Christen raises an eyebrow at her sudden shift in tone and posture.

_“O-kay… Have fun, I guess?”_

“Goodnight Kelley!” Tobin quickly hits end before Christen can even get anymore words out.

“When did you call Kelley?” Christen wonders.

“I believe we have something to get back to, actually?” Tobin leans forward hoping to distract Christen, but the other woman just leans back, fighting Tobin’s grip.

“Tobin. What did you call her about?” Christen changes her question.

“I just wanted her help with something. It’s nothing. I promise,” Tobin says, trying her best to keep her tone even and not break the eye contact that Christen had initiated.

Christen sighs, but lets it go. She doesn’t want to push Tobin away by being too overbearing, so even though she wants to know, she stops shifts her questioning to something more innocent.

“Wait, what did she mean by _occupied_?”

A laugh bubbles out of Tobin. “She totally answered the phone in the middle of sex. I was mortified but it’s actually kinda funny thinking back.”

“Oh my god!” Christen says. “Who do you think she was with?”

“I dunno,” Tobin shrugs. “She’s been pretty hung up on Sonnett, so I was a little surprised that she’s do something like a one-night stand. Maybe someone back home in Georgia? I don’t remember if she was going there for the holidays or not. I thought she stayed in LA, but I’m not actually sure.”

“That’s wild,” Christen shakes in slight disbelief. “Can we watch the movie now? Please?”

Tobin takes one look at the puppy dog eyes and the pout on Christen’s face and knows she doesn’t stand a chance saying no. “Yeah, we can go back to the movie. Do you want me to rewind it?”

Christen nods, letting out a yawn and slipping off of Tobin’s lap so she can once again snuggle into her arms, resting her head against Tobin’s chest so that if she concentrates just enough, she can hear the constant thumping of Tobin’s heart, steady and soothing. It helps brush away the last remnants of the panic she felt during the phone call, and it’s not long before they’re both captivated by the cinematic story playing for them.

 They spend the rest of the evening cuddled up in their fort of pillows and blankets, eventually dragging themselves up to their room sometime in the early hours of the morning in a mess of hushed giggles and tired grins. They fall asleep with their limbs tangled together, content and happy to sleep for the first time in a long while, no longer having to worry about sleeping alone.

* * *

 

_“I think I’m gonna ask Christen to move in with me.”_

_“That’s a terrible idea,” Kelley says, propping herself up on her elbows so she can look over to Tobin who is lying next to her on the older woman’s bed in her childhood home._

_“You say that about all my ideas,” Tobin sits up as well._

_“Because they all suck,” Kelley tells her. “You are aware that you and Pressy go to different colleges, right? That you don’t technically live in the same city? And you won’t for like two more years.”_

_“We do when we aren’t in school. Think about it, it would be great. We’d get to spend all our time together during the summer, and have a place to call home that we share. I think it’s a great idea,” Tobin disagrees._

_“You don’t even spend all of your summer here. Last summer you swept her away on a Hawaiian vacation! Half the time you’re in Jersey, anyways! And who is going to pay for this theoretical apartment?”_

_Tobin shrugs, a frown forming on her face. “I just wanna be around her as much as possible.”_

_Kelley lets out a sigh, knowing that Tobin’s suggestion came from her heart and not head, which is why is isn’t quite realistic._

_“I get it, buddy. But maybe wait a few years. And make sure you get a nice futon, because the waves out here are the best I’ve surfed!” Kelley tries to be optimistic._

_“I know, right?” Tobin agrees. “Although there is something about surfing in Hawaii that just feels right.”_

_“I’m still bitter that you didn’t invite me,” Kelley flops back onto the bed._

_“It was a couple’s vacation! Why would I invite you?” Tobin too lets herself fall back against her pillows._

_“So I could surf in Hawaii!” Kelley exclaims._

_“I promise one day I’ll take you surfing in Hawaii, Kel. Okay?”_

_“You better.”_

_The duo lays in silence for a few minutes, just staring up at the ceiling, until Kelley speaks again._

_“So, where is Pressy, anyways? I thought you two were attached at the hip from my first few days staying here. I never saw you apart once, and now she’s ditching you?” Kelley wonders._

_“She and Alex went shopping at the mall. Some ‘girl time’ or whatever. I dunno. I told Chris I would come and hold her bags or whatever, but she didn’t want me to go with them,” Tobin says._

_“Maybe she’s buying lingerie to wear for you and she didn’t want to ruin the surprise,” Kelley suggests with a chuckle._

_Tobin flails her arm out blindly, attempting to smack Kelley in the gut for her crude comment._

_“Ow!” Kelley howls. “That was my boob, man!”_

_“Oops,” Tobin blushes lightly. “Sorry, bro.”_

_“I’m telling Press!” Kelley says._

_“Telling me what?” A new voice chips in from the doorway._

_Both brunettes sit up, eyes wide as they spot Christen and Alex standing in the doorway of Tobin’s bedroom._

_“Nothing!” Tobin says quickly._

_“Tobin touched my boob!” Kelley all but shouts._

_“Was it an accident?” Christen asks._

_Tobin nods. “It was, I swear!”_

_Christen shrugs. “Eh, I’ve copped an accidental feel before too, nothing new.”_

_“Chris!” Tobin exclaims. “What the hell!”_

_“Like you’ve never accidentally felt up a teammate in the heat of the moment during a goal celebration,” Christen scoffs._

_Kelley smirks. “You don’t have to lie to her about our night of passion, Christen. I think it’s time for Tobin to know.”_

_“What?” Tobin swivels her head back and forth between Christen and Kelley, unsure if the freckled woman is joking or not._

_“Relax babe. I’ve never had a ‘night of passion’ with Kel. But I can’t say the same for some people,” Christen glances at Alex out of the corner of her eye to see if the other woman reacts, trying to confirm a suspicion._

_On the outside, Alex is cool and calm, but her insides are burning. This isn’t happening. This can’t happen._

_Christen has a pretty good idea of what happened that night many months ago to cause Kelley and Alex’s hostility, but neither Alex or Kelley will confirm it so she’s forced to pull stunts like this to try to trip one of them up and get them to admit it._

_“Uh, yeah,” Kelley clears her throat. “What can I say, the girls at Stanford love me.”_

_Christen narrows her eyes. “They sure do, but I bet they aren’t the only ones.”_

_Tobin blinks slowly, not understanding at all what is happening. “So… how was shopping?”_

_Christen’s demeanor instantly changes, and a grin plasters itself onto her face. “It was great! I think you’ll like some of the things I got.”_

_Kelley elbows Tobin in the ribs, wiggling her eyebrows with a smirk when the other woman glances over to her._

_Tobin elbows Kelley right back with a dirty look._

_“I should probably get going,” Alex decides. “I’ve got a date with Servando. You good here, Christen? Or do you need a ride home?”_

_“I’m good here,” Christen smiles at Tobin, who grins back._

_“I’ll walk out with you. Don’t wanna be here while these two canoodle,” Kelley jumps up, ready to follow Alex._

_Alex tenses up, but nods curtly as she turns to leave. “Sure. Bye, Christen. See ya, Tobin!”_

_“Bye!”_

_Kelley and Alex are silent on the way down the stairs, and out the front door. They linger as they exit the house onto the front porch._

_“Christen knows,” Kelley says quietly._

_“I didn’t tell her!” Alex defends sharply._

_“Neither did I!” Kelley crosses her arms, already regretting not just staying with the lovebirds._

_“Well don’t. It’s not like it matters or anything! No one should know,” Alex whispers harshly._

_“Hey, I’m not the one who cheated on my boyfriend, buddy. You can be pissed, but I didn’t do anything wrong, so it shouldn’t be at me!” Kelley says._

_“You seduced me! I was drunk and helpless!” Alex snaps back._

_“Um, what?” Kelley raises her eyebrows. “What the fuck are you implying?”_

_“You took advantage of me!”_

_“I’m sorry that I thought you were hot and fuckable, but you didn’t say one word about your boyfriend until the next day. We were both drunk, but I did_ not _take advantage of you. It was just sex, Alex. Get over it!” Kelley says._

_“I am over it!” Alex exclaims._

_“Well then what is the problem here? If we’re both over it, why isn’t it just some faint memory by now?”_

_“Because Christen knows!” Alex snaps. “And no one can know!”_

_“Okay, first of all, chill out,” Kelley starts. “Second, it doesn’t matter. Christen would never say anything.”_

_“Ugh!” Alex huffs. “You don’t get it! I’m not_ gay _! I’m supposed to finish college and then marry Servando, and sleeping with you could ruin my entire life’s plan!”_

_“Maybe try to say the word gay with a little less disgust next time. A little offensive considering your best friend is with a woman, don’t you think? And maybe you should consider why you felt the need to sleep with me. Maybe your precious boyfriend isn’t as great as you want him to be!” Kelley shoots back._

_Both of them are shocked when Alex lifts her arm and swings it forward, palm connecting right with Kelley’s cheek. The force is strong enough to jerk Kelley’s head to the side, and when she swivels it to face Alex once again, her eyes are wide._

_“What the fuck?” Kelley’s voice is soft; all the fight having drained out of her at the unexpected attack._

_Alex is just as horrified, arm clutched to her chest, and mouth slightly open as if she was going to speak, maybe apologize. But instead, she turns away quickly and begins marching down the steps without saying a word._

_“Where are you going?” Kelley calls after her._

_“Anywhere but here!” Alex doesn’t look back she climbs into her car and pulls out of the driveway, which is probably best because Kelley can’t hold her tears back any longer and they begin streaming down her cheeks as she all but collapses on the porch of her best friend’s house._

_Christen and Tobin stare down at Kelley in sympathy, having watched, but not heard, much of the dispute from Tobin’s bedroom window._

_“Should we go check on her?” Tobin asks._

_“No. I don’t think she wants to have to explain anything right now. We should just give her some space,” Christen decides._

_Tobin nods, eyes still locked on Kelley’s trembling form. “What do you think their problem is? I know they tend to avoid each other, but that was rough.”_

_“I’m not completely sure, but I’m definitely gonna find out,” Christen says._

_“Okay, but promise me we won’t let it come between us? I don’t wanna lose you just because Kel and Alex are fighting.”_

_Christen turns to face Tobin, placing a hand on her cheek. “You won’t ever lose me, babe. I won’t let anything get between us. I promise.”_

_Tobin smiles softly. “I love you.”_

_“I love you too, forever, remember?”_

_And it seems like it will be forever. They both would never let anything ruin things, because being apart from one another would really suck. So one day, they will move in together and hopefully spend the rest of their lives together. One day._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you ever have anything to say about this story, or life in general, my tumblr is llostt-in-ttranslationn


	9. Begin Again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so so so sorry that I took forever to get this done, I've been going through some major shit recently and I needed a break. I'm also not completely satisfied with the second half of this chapter, but rewriting it would probably mean I take another 2 weeks to update, and I didn't want to do that. So, enjoy!
> 
> P.S. I'm far too lazy and tired to edit this so maybe I'll do it later or maybe not. Point out any mistakes if you want and I'll fix them

When Tobin wakes up the next morning, she is content. She has Christen wrapped in her arms, and she has nothing to be worried about in this moment. It’s been months since she’s felt this warm waking up. She wishes she could freeze time and stay in this moment forever, because she knows in the near future, everything is going to implode. But right now she’ll just lay here and pretend everything is going to be okay.

Christen lets out a soft whimper and nuzzles further into Tobin as she sleeps. Tobin tightens her grip, wanting to reassure the sleeping woman that she’s still there, that she’ll be there as long as Christen wants her to be.

The movement stirs Christen just enough that her slumber ends. “Toby?”

“I’m here, baby.”

“Don’t leave me,” Christen mumbles into Tobin’s neck.

“Never, Chris,” Tobin says.

It’s not quite a lie, and if Tobin was still bitter (she’s not) she might have made a snide comment about how Christen is the one that does the leaving.

Instead, she tilts her head down so that she can press a kiss to Christen’s forehead as a physical reminder that she’s there.

“You know what day it is, baby?” Tobin asks softly after a few minutes.

“Hmm… Sunday?” Christen mumbles after a moment of thought.

Tobin chuckles. “Well, yeah. But it’s Christmas Eve!”

Christen jolts up in bed, as if the information was shocking. “Tobin!”

“Yeah?” Tobin tilts her head in confusion.

“It’s Christmas Eve and we don’t have presents for anyone!” Christen says worriedly.

“It’s fine, Chris. I got presents for my family before we left. We can say they’re from us both,” Tobin flops back down, no longer concerned.

“But we don’t have presents for each other. Don’t you think that’s going to look weird?” Christen continues to worry.

Tobin shrugs. “We can go out later and pick something up.”

“But Tobin, it’s Sunday _and_ Christmas Eve, we have to go now! Get up, get ready!” Christen throws her legs over the side of the bed, standing up and pulling the covers away from Tobin, who groans.

“Chris…” she complains. “Why?”

Christen narrows her eyes. “Now, Tobin.”

“Fine,” Tobin grumbles as she sits up and stumbles out of bed.

 _The things she does for this woman_ , Tobin huffs as she fumbles through her suitcase for a pair of ripped jeans and a sweater.

“So, uh, you wanna shower first, or should I?” Tobin wonders, turning to face Christen, who’s standing impatiently by the door.

“There’s no time for that!” Christen says.

“You wanna shower together, then?” a smirk begins to creep its way onto Tobin’s face.

“No! No funny business, Tobin!” Christen reaches out and grabs Tobin’s arm, all but dragging her across the hall into the bathroom.

Tobin’s barely righted herself by the time Christen’s already pulled off her sleep shirt and is now working at slipping her pants off. She can’t really help but stare at the caramel skinned woman in front of her, now fully nude.

Sure, they had sex the other night, but it’s been a long time since she’s seen Christen naked so innocently. Most of their joint showers back in the day were steamy from more than just the hot water.

“Tobin!” Christen hisses, snapping the other woman out of her daze.

“Yeah, right,” Tobin shrugs her way out of her t-shirt and shorts as Christen turns the knob in the shower, causing the water to begin to stream down.

Tobin tries her luck at getting handsy in under the hot jet of water, but Christen always sends her a scalding look to warn her off.

Christen does, however, allow Tobin to pull her close for a few moments when they’ve both rinsed off the last of the soap on their bodies. She presses a hard kiss against Tobin’s lips, grinning when she pulls away. Tobin whines and tries to follow her lips, but Christen just flips off the shower and slips away from Tobin’s grasp and out onto the rug.

“You’re such a tease,” Tobin groans.

“I was only rewarding you for your good behavior,” Christen shrugs as she passes Tobin a towel. “Maybe if you’re on your best behavior at the store today I’ll give you an early Christmas present.”

“Well what are we waiting for, let’s go!” Tobin says, trying to pull her clothes onto her still wet body.

“Tobin!” Christen squeals with a laugh. “You’re gonna ruin your shirt!”

“Nuh uh,” Tobin disagrees, failing miserably at tugging her jeans up her legs.

Eventually they do manage to make themselves presentable, and after a very quick breakfast, the duo is on their way to the nearest mall.

Now, Tobin isn’t very fond of malls in the first place, with their subpar skate shops and overpriced food courts, but she especially hates them during the holidays. The normal masses of people seem to be tripled, all of them pushing and shoving to find last minute gifts. She would have insisted they just find some smaller stores that are littered around the city, but Christen always seems to get what she wants, so they end up squirming through the crowds to find acceptable gifts for each other.

It’s Christen’s idea for them to split up so their surprise on Christmas morning is genuine, and Tobin once again agrees against her better judgement. She has not fucking clue what to get Christen. She tries desperately to think back to a few months ago before things started going wrong.

Honestly, she was probably going to propose to Christen this Christmas, or at least for the other woman’s birthday when they would be back in LA, so she hadn’t really thought of getting her anything other than a ring. But then Gunner died and they grew distant, and then there was thousands of miles of actual distance between them, and Tobin was colder than she is in the frigid New Jersey winter.

So, she just wanders around, looking at the signs for all of the stores she passes, but not entering any of them. She isn’t sure what would be considered an appropriate gift for her first love/ex-girlfriend/current friend-with benefits.

Eventually Tobin lets her feet lead her into one of the many jewelry shops. She doesn’t even realize she’s made her way over to the case of engagement rings until a salesperson approaches her.

“Shopping for yourself, or someone special?” The young man asks.

Tobin jumps in surprise, not expecting the attention. When she processes his question, she shrugs. “I’m just looking.”

“Well, what are you looking for?” The man persists. “We’ve got some lovely pieces. I’m not really into all the glitz and glamour, but even I’d say some of what we have is amazing.”

Tobin wonders idly if an employee at a jewelry store should be telling her, a potential customer, that he isn’t really into jewelry, but hey, at least he’s honest.

Tobin takes a glance at the engagement rings again, before turning back to the man, thinking about what the most innocent type of jewelry is. “What do you have for earrings?”

The ever-present smile of the salesperson brightens as he begins to lead Tobin over to a different glass case. “What are you looking for? A specific styles or stone?”

Tobin shrugs. “Uh, do you have anything with December’s birthstone?”

She isn’t entirely sure what December’s birthstone is– something blue, she thinks, but it seems like a safe bet. The salesperson has begun talking about all the different variations she could get, but Tobin ignores most of what he says, instead scanning over the many options inside the glass case in front of her.

“What about those?” she cuts him off, pointing at a particular pretty pair of blue earrings.

“Those are blue topaz,” the salesperson tells her.

“I’ll take them,” Tobin decides. She’s kinda over this whole shopping thing, and this dude is a little too annoying for her tolerance today.

He seems to get the message to shut up, and Tobin pulls out her credit card without even looking at the price of the earrings. It doesn’t matter. She and Christen didn’t really agree on a price range, but they can’t be _that_ expensive anyways, so it’s whatever.

Tobin shoves the small bag that the salesperson gave her into her backpack, so Christen won’t see it when they meet back up. She then returns to her wandering, mindlessly trudging through the crowds of people around her until her phone vibrates in her pocket with a text from Christen, telling her where to go so that they can head back.

“Are you sure you have gifts for everyone?” Christen checks before they exit the mall.

“Yes,” Tobin chuckles. “Relax, Chris. I’ve got everything under control.”

“Okay…” Christen agrees hesitantly.

“C’mon, we can grab some coffee on the way back,” Tobin reaches out and snags Christen’s hand with her own.

The coffee shop they end up at is unfamiliar, but the memories sitting together in a corner booth brings are in surplus.

“How’s Morena?” Tobin wonders after a few minutes of quietly sipping their drinks.

“She’s good,” Christen says. “I left her with Tyler because I didn’t want to traumatize her with plane rides and unfamiliar territory, but she was happy when I picked her up, and Alex said she’s been behaving.”

“I’m sorry that I didn’t offer to keep her while you were gone,” Tobin says softly.

Christen shakes her head. “It’s okay. It would have just made letting go harder. I checked in with Tyler nearly every day to see how she was, and I don’t think either of us would have been ready for that.”

“I guess, yeah,” Tobin agrees. “Can I see her, when we get back?”

Christen hesitates. They haven’t talked about what things will be like when they get back to LA, but she’s not cruel enough to deny Tobin this. “Of course. She’s your dog, too.”

Tobin just shrugs in response.

“She is,” Christen insists. “She’s just as much yours as she is mine. Nothing will change that.”

“Sounds like you’re talking about a kid who’s in the middle of a custody fight,” Tobin snickers.

“Remember when we were talking about having kids?” It slips out before Christen can think and stop herself from speaking. She instantly blushes and shifts her gaze down to stare at her coffee instead of Tobin’s face.

“We couldn’t decide if we wanted three or four. Kelley always said we should just have five,” Tobin doesn’t hesitate with her response. “Alex said we were both crazy and shouldn’t have more than two.”

Christen looks up cautiously, but when she sees Tobin’s soft, reassuring smile, she offers a small grin back.

And then reality comes crashing back down on her, and her smile dissipates into a frown. “I’m sorry I fucked all our plans up.”

Tobin sighs. “It’s Christmas, babe. No being sad or apologizing for the next two days. I promise we can talk when we get home to LA. But right now, I wanna go back and hangout with my nephews, and have a good time. Is that okay with you?”

Christen nods. “Yeah. We can do that.”

Tobin grins. “Good.”

Even if they wanted to continue their conversation when then got back to the house, there was already a slew of Heaths there in preparation of their Christmas Eve dinner and present celebration. The family’s tradition was to get together the night before Christmas to celebrate as a group, and then have smaller celebrations on their own for Christmas day.

So, much like several nights ago when the family had gathered together, the house is full of people. This time, however, Christen sticks close to Tobin’s side as the other woman greets her extended family warmly.

Tobin’s aunt is especially happy to see Christen attached to Tobin’s arm, shooting Christen a knowing look. She seems to be glad that whatever issue they were having the other night has been resolved, even if she doesn’t know the half of it.

“Auntie Chris, come play!” Cole requests sometime in the early evening.

Christen glances at Tobin, who’s wrapped up in a conversation with one of her cousins, before turning back to the little boy and grinning. “What’re we playing?” she slips away from Tobin, allowing Cole to latch onto her hand and pull her through the house.

“Hide an’ seek!” Cole announces. He goes on to tell her which of his cousins are hiding and why Tucker and his brother can’t play yet (“they’re too young and small, Auntie Chris! They have to be growed more!”).

Christen amusedly plays along, spending at least an hour with the little kids, switching from game to game when one of them gets bored and an adult tells them they’re being too rambunctious for the indoors. She has to explain several times why they can’t go outside (“it’s too cold and you’ll freeze your little toes off!”) but the kids have fun regardless.

She’s taking a well-deserved break when Tobin finds her collapsed on the couch. “Where’d you run off to?” Tobin plops onto Christen’s lap, ignoring the other woman’s soft “oomph” at the added weight.

“I was playing with your cousins and Cole,” Christen wraps her arms around Tobin’s waist and tugs her closer. “They only just allowed me a break.”

Tobin laughs softly. “You’re the best. I’m sure their parents are happy someone else was dealing with them for a while.”

“I love kids, it’s not a problem,” Christen shrugs.

There’s a short silence where their conversation from earlier in the day flashes through both their minds. Right now, it doesn’t seem like their past plans will even happen, and a weight settles in both their chests at the thought, because they would have been great parents to a herd of little green-eyed beach-loving babies.

It’s ended when a masculine voice cuts through the low roar of other voices in the house.

“Seriously? How much is she paying you to pretend to date her?” Christen recognizes the voice, and her arms subconsciously tighten around Tobin, half to ensure the other woman doesn’t jump up and hit this douche in the face, and half to shield more of her body away from his predatory gaze.

Tobin struggles against Christen’s grip. “Unlike you, Aaron, I can get a girlfriend without bribing or blackmailing her.”

Aaron scoffs so harshly that he sways a little, alerting both women of his clearly inebriated state. “I could treat you so much better than little T can,” he tells Christen.

Tobin literally growls in response.

“No thanks. Even if I wasn’t hopelessly in love with Tobin, I would _never_ even consider dating you,” Christen says, completely ignoring the way Tobin’s head snaps toward her so fast she might have actually hurt herself.

Aaron barks out a laugh. “What could she possibly give you that I can’t? I’m sure I’m a much better fuck than she could ever be. Why don’t we head upstairs and I can show you?”

Tobin tears herself out of Christen’s grasp, jumping up and getting in Aaron’s face. “Back the fuck off before I tear your ‘amazing dick’ off and shove it down your own throat!”

Aaron doesn’t back down. “Are you this violent with your ‘girlfriend’ too?”

Christen is quick to jump up and wrap her arms around Tobin just before the other woman can lunge at Aaron. “The only reason I’m stopping her from pulverizing your face is because I need her hands intact for when I give her an early Christmas present tonight.”

Aaron scrunches his face up in disgust. “You’re both stupid fucking dykes!”

“Yo, Aaron. Back off, man!” both Katie and Perry’s husbands step forward to tug the other man away.

“I’m sure God is gonna send you to hell, Tobin! And I bet your parents are disappointed in you!” Aaron shouts, but he allows himself to be dragged out of the house.

Tobin completely deflates in Christen’s arms. Somehow Aaron managed to hit two of her biggest insecurities in one swing. The other happens to be the fact that she’ll never be good enough for Christen, and he seemed to reiterate that, as well.

Christen gently steers Tobin towards the stairs and away from the prying eyes of her family, who has gone mostly silent after the exchange. As soon a she closes the door to their temporary room, Tobin shatters.

Tears being to spill out of her eyes, and her body trembles with quiet sobs.

Christen is quick to wrap her arms back around the other woman and pull her close. She, of course, knows the affect that Aaron’s words must have had on Tobin, because she’s spent countless night reassuring the other woman that God loves everyone, especially her, and that her parents are endlessly proud of the way she’s turned out.

Christen isn’t normally a violent person, and she hardly even gets angry, but right now, all she wants to do is go find that asshole and run him over with her car. Actually, no. She likes her car too much to do that to it. She can’t decide a method to hurt him (she’s too much of a cinnamon roll for that), but she wants to cause him at least double the pain that he’s just inflicted on Tobin.

“Shh, baby. You’re perfect, okay? You’re the most amazing person I’ve ever met and he’s scum. God loves you, your parent’s love you… _I_ love you. Nothing he says matters,” Christen sooths, rocking them from side to side gently.

Tobin distances them just enough that she can look Christen in the eyes. “You love me?”

“Always, Tobin. I’ve loved you since I was fifteen. Even before then, if I’m honest,” Christen confirms. “And nothing some dumb prick says or does will ever change that.”

“You love me,” Tobin repeats quietly, as if she couldn’t fathom the fact.

Christen smiles softly at Tobin’s awestruck reaction. She doesn’t let herself think about what may happen in a few days when they get back to LA. She ignores the nagging feeling inside of her that love might not be enough. Because tonight, Tobin clearly needs love, and Christen has so much of it inside her for the other woman.

Tobin rests her forehead against Christen’s, her hears finally ceasing. “I love you so much.”

Christen pulls Tobin even closer, before gently connecting their lips in a soft kiss. She tries to convey all of the love she feels for Tobin, but even that’s not enough.

“Let me show you how much I love you?” Christen questions. She doesn’t care that there’s a couple dozen people downstairs. She needs to express to Tobin how much she cares for her, and words just won’t cut it right now.

“Please,” Tobin agrees.

So, maybe they’re both a little emotionally wounded. But maybe love can help heal the wounds that nobody else can see. Because after all, isn’t love what caused most of them?

* * *

 

_“Tobin, c’mon! We have to hurry!”_

_“Relax, baby. We’ve got plenty of time,” Tobin tugs on Christen’s hand as the other woman attempts to drag her through the furniture store they’re currently shopping in._

_“No, we still have to find a couch, and then go grocery shopping, and we have to pick Gunner up from my sister’s. It’s already nearly three!” Christen pulls Tobin along, not slowing down._

_“Baby,” Tobin says, coming to a complete halt “Baby, stop.”_

_She can hear the anxiety dripping from Christen’s voice, and buying a couch for their new apartment suddenly becomes the last thing on her mind._

_Christen huffs, turning to face Tobin with wild eyes. “What?”_

_“We have all week to buy furniture, we can get takeout for dinner, and I’m sure Tyler doesn’t mind watching Gunner a bit longer,” Tobin tells her. “Take a few deep breaths and slow down.”_

_Christen inhales sharply, holding it in for a moment before sighing deeply. “Sorry, I just… want everything to be perfect for our first night in our_ _first home together.”_

_“It will be,” Tobin says. “Even if we have no couch or dining room table and we have to eat our takeout on the floor in front of the TV. As long as we’re together tonight, everything will be perfect. And then we can break in our new bedroom… again.”_

_A small smile creeps onto Christen’s face. “You’re so amazing.”_

_Tobin grins. “Thanks, babe. So are you.”_

_“But we really do need to find a couch,” Christen says._

_Tobin shakes her head with a chuckle. “Fine, fine. Lead the way.”_

_Christen does, but this time her pace is much slower and her impatience is more manageable._

_They’re comparing two couches when a salesperson probably only a few years older than them walks over. “Can I help you guys with finding anything today?” she asks._

_“Is the leather couch worth the extra two hundred over the fabric?” Christen asks._

_The saleswoman’s eyes widen, as if she wasn’t actually expecting any real questions. “Oh, well, do you have any pets or small children in the house?”_

_“A dog,” Christen confirms. “No kids yet. we just moved in to our first apartment together.”_

_“Oh,” The saleswoman smiles. “Congratulations. Is your boyfriend here with you? Or just your friend?”_

_“This is my girlfriend. Whom I’m dating. With whom I just moved in with,” Christen says dryly._

_“Oh my gosh! I’m sorry. I can be so dense sometimes,” the saleswoman shakes her head in shame. “Well, with pets I would say that the leather is worth it, just in case of accidents, and fabric may wear down faster and a dog could tear into it more.”_

_Christen looks towards Tobin. “I dunno. Gunner doesn’t have accidents anymore. And he’s never torn any cushions apart before…”_

_“Um, my vote is for the leather,” Tobin says._

_Christen tilts her head. “Why?”_

_“Because I’m probably gonna spill stuff on it,” Tobin admits shyly._

_Christen giggles. “Okay, you’re right,” She relents before turning to the saleswoman. “Do you guys do same-day delivery?”_

_Tobin zones out as her girlfriend begins to solidify their purchase, because honestly she’s not the savviest when it comes to stuff like this, and she’d rather not get in the way._

_They manage to find a coffee table to go with the couch, and then Christen is once again on a mission to swiftly buy groceries so they can get home before their new furniture arrives._

_Christen is so distracted that she doesn’t even notice Tobin slipping some sugary cereal into the carriage. Or the package of cookies. She does however notice when Tobin attempts to place a carton of ice cream into the cart._

_“Tobin, no!” Christen complains, but she doesn’t make a move to place the desert back into the freezer._

_“You’ll thank me next week when you’re craving it during your period,” Tobin tells her._

_Christen just sighs, because she knows Tobin is right. She adds an extra package of kale, which in her mind will balance out the sugary treat._

_They stop by Christen’s sister’s house on the way, deciding they have enough time to grad Gunner quick so that they don’t have to leave the house later._

_Christen can’t help her grin as they step out of the elevator and walk down the hall to the door of the apartment. This is their home now. They’re a little family, the trio of them. Christen hopes that maybe someday they’ll add a few new members, both four-legged and two-legged._

_“I can’t believe we live together now,” Tobin says as she fumbles with the key trying to get it in the lock._

_“It’s amazing,” Christen confirms._

_Gunner runs right into the apartment when Tobin finally manages to get the door open. He lets out an excited bark and beings to trot around inspecting every room curiously._

_Tobin gets to work unpacking the groceries when Christen follows Gunner around closely, letting out occasional giggles that Tobin can only imagine means Gunner has done something cute._

_She took Kelley’s advice and waited a couple years to ask Christen to move in, but once she did, they made quick work of finding an apartment, with both their parents offering to chip in on the down payment so they could get whatever one they wanted. Christen and Tobin still chose one that was modest and that they could afford to pay the rent on by themselves._

_Tobin is certain that living with Christen is going to be amazing. They don’t fight that often, unless it’s about Tobin’s slow approach to everything or Christen’s need for everything to be perfect all the time, and she hopes that they can trudge through any small arguments that may come with sharing the same space a hundred percent of the time. Living together will be a real test on if they’ll make it in the future, and Tobin thinks this is one test she’s prepared to pass with flying colors, because she wants to share the rest of her life with Christen, and she hopes that this is just the start of forever for them._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feel free to find me on tumblr at llostt-in-ttranslationn if you have any pressing questions (i usually respond quicker over there than on here) or just if you want to know why i take 2 months to update sometimes


	10. We Could Have Had It All

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, it sure has been a while, hasn't it? I'm really really sorry about that but at least I can say that however long until the next update, it probably won't be as long as this one was! I hope this makes up for the long wait.

Christmas morning comes all too quickly. Thankfully, today is just going to be spent with Tobin's immediate family, no cousins or family friends to get in the way or question Tobin and Christen's relationship.

It's a happy occasion. The three little boys babbling excitedly as they tear open their presents right after breakfast gives Tobin a fuzzy feeling in her stomach. Last year she missed out on this because she and Christen spent the holiday with Christen's family, which was great, but Tobin hates missing out on her nephew's lives here on the east coast. She loves the west coast, though, and can't imagine leaving L.A. anytime soon.

For a split second Tobin forgets that everything is fake. She thinks about how one day she and Christen will have their own little ones running around on Christmas morning.

And then she has to take a long sip of scorching coffee to hide her pain as reality comes crashing back down on her. That isn't going to happen now.

After probably an hour of the boys opening presents, it's finally time to move on to the adults.

Tobin's parents, though divorced, are on well enough terms to be able to spend Christmas morning together with their children and grandchildren.

Tobin's dad enjoys the new set of golf clubs and grill tools that she and her siblings all chipped in on. And her mom loves the spa kit her children got for her, as well as the free weekend at a nice spa retreat they give her a coupon for.

Jeff gets a new high tech fishing rod from his sisters, and a new camera lens from his parents.

His girlfriend gets a coupon to her favourite salon from Tobin.

Tobin gives each of her sisters each a bottle of expensive wine and some bath salts, and their husbands get tickets to baseball games.

Tobin's parents present Christen with a _really_  nice leatherbound planner and journal set, along with two clearly expensive ballpoint pens to go with them.

Jeff gives her a spiritual meditation book that he had found in a little shop somewhere in Louisiana during a road trip and he said it instantly made him think of Christen so he just had to buy it for her.

Katie and Perry give Christen a necklace with a stone they say represents stress relief and peace.

Tobin's family hand her an envelope and when she opens it, she sees a picture of the expensive surfboard she had been eyeing back home, resting against what she know's is a wall in Ashlyn's garage by the flourescent yellow of the paint. They explain that they had sent Ashlyn a check so that she could buy it and hold onto it until Tobin got back and she could pick it up.

And then it's time for Tobin's family to watch her and Christen exchange presents. with each other.

This is the money shot. If they can pull this off without being called out, then the remainder of their time here should be a breeze.

Tobin presents Christen with the little box she delicately wrapped last night in her only minutes alone while Christen was chatting with Jeff's girlfriend about something downstairs.

To be fair, jewelry probably wasn't the best gift, considering her family waits with bated breath to see if it's an engagement ring, but Tobin couldn't think of anything else to get.

Christen grins when she opens it. "These are beautiful, Tobin. Thank you babe."

Tobin presses a chaste kiss to Christen's lips. "It's your birthstone."

"I know. You're very sweet," Christen hands Tobin her gift, a box that's not too big, but also large enough to not be jewelry.

Tobin tears the paper away slowly. She smiles brightly when she realizes what it is. A brand new GoPro. "Thanks Chris," she leans in for a kiss.

"I know you've been wanting a new one since yours broke a few months ago."

Tobin nods, still grinning. She's a little surprised Christen knew she hadn't already gotten a new one. But then again, Tobin isn't all that into shopping for her own electronic gadgets. Maybe Christen even asked Kelley or Ashlyn about it, as well. Or maybe she just knows Tobin well enough to know she wouldn't have replaced it in her own.

If her family is disappointed that there was no proposal, they don't show it. They hang out in the living room for a little while longer before they start to clean up, and then everyone crowds in the den to watch Christmas movies before Cindy starts on their early dinner.

It's when Christen is helping out in the kitchen that Perry corners Tobin when she's leaving the bathroom.

"I thought you were going to propose to her for Christmas?"

Tobin shrugs. "I changed my mind."

"Is there something going on with you two? Trouble in paradise?" Perry prods.

Tobin shakes her head almost too quickly. "No! It just didn't feel right to do it right now."

Perry narrows her eyes, but doesn't press any further, heading back to the kitchen to pitch in when Katie calls her name.

Tobin lets out a sigh of relief. That was a close one.

But Jeff intercepts Tobin before she can even take two steps, clearly having overhead the conversation.

"You two broke up September," He accuses, not beating around the bush at all.

"What? No!"

"Don't lie to me, Toby. I was in L.A. a couple months ago for a fishing clinic and I ran into Ashlyn. She mentioned that I should go try to cheer you up since you and Chris had broken up, but I didn't have enough time after my competition before I had to fly home, and I figured if you wanted us to know, you'd call and tell us," Jeff says.

Tobin stares at the carpet, not meeting her brother's eyes. "It was August," she admits.

"So you guys got back together?" Jeff asks.

Tobin just shrugs, not sure what to say.

"I mean I guess you had to have, if she's here right now," Jeff answers his own question, nodding to himself.

"Please don't tell anyone," Tobin begs, glad she didn't have to answer the question herself, but worried everything might spiral if he runs his mouth to her sisters and parents.

Jeff bumps Tobin's shoulder with his own, a grin breaking out onto his face. "Duh, you dork."

He ruffles her hair a bit before trotting away. Tobin is so glad that she and Jeff have such a good relationship, because she knows she can trust him to keep his mouth shut. But she's gonna kill Ashlyn the next time she sees her, surfboarf be damned.

The rest of the evening goes by smoothly, and Tobin is exhausted by the time she and Christen are getting ready for bed.

"Jeff knows we broke up."

Christen whips around so fast that she stumbles a little. "What?!"

Tobin probably could have started this conversation a little better. "It's okay, he's not gonna tell anyone, and he thinks we got back together. He doesn't know we're faking."

"Jesus Christ, Tobin! Don't give me a heart attack like that again!"

Tobin smiles sheepishly. "Sorry."

Christen sighs. "It's okay. We only have to make it through two more days before we go home. Shouldn't be too hard. Then we can wait a little while and you can tell them we broke up and pretend it wasn't until a couple weeks from now."

Tobin feels like she's been punched in the stomach. She doesn't wanna go back to L.A. where she feels colder than in this New Jersey winter. "Yeah."

Christen frowns at Tobin's defeated tone. This little façade couldn't last forever. She's just trying not to think about going home and having this perfect little fantasy shattered.

"Tobin?"

"Yeah?" Tobin looks up to meet Christen's eyes, which suddenly seem darker with how large her pupils have gotten.

"I think I could use some Christmas lovin' right now," Christen smirks with a wink.

Tobin melts, suddenly warm. "I think that can be arranged."

Tobin takes a couple strides towards Christen, one hand reaching out to grasp her hip, the other tugging Christen closer by the back of her neck.

Their lips crash together and Christen shudders. _Fuck_ , she's gonna miss this. But she can't let this continue, right? Not when she knows that deep down, Tobin is still heartbroken.

(She is too.)

Tobin's hands slip under Christen's shirt and her thumbs brush the bottom curve of her breasts, and Christen is suddenly unable to think about the future outside of the next hour that she's sure is going to involve a lot of reasons not the think.

Tobin spins them around and begins walking Christen backwards towards the bed, not breaking contact until the back of Christen's knees hit the edge of the bed and she tumbles backwards, giggling as Tobin lands in top of her.

"Oh, you think that's funny?" Tobin asks, fingers twitching at Christen's sides.

Christen shakes her head, gasping out a nervous giggle at Tobin's tickling. "N-no."

"That's what I thought," Tobin leans down to reconnect their lips.

Christen doesn't let that last long, never one liking to not be in power. She pushes Tobin up a little, and while the other woman is off balance tugging her shirt over her head, Christen gives her a little shove and easily flips their positions, pulling her own shirt off as well, wanting to feel Tobin's skin against her own.

Tobin lets out a quiet moan when Christen's thumb brushes against her nipple, and Christen grins against her mouth.

Tobin whimpers. "Please."

Christen bites at Tobin's neck softly, trying to work her up as much as possible, because she wants to ingrain this moment in her memory. She's not sure this will ever happen again. So she'll be damned if she doesn't enjoy it as much as possible.

As Tobin drifts asleep in Christen's arms after two rounds of Christen trying desperately to keep her quiet, she has little worries, too exhausted to think.

Christen wishes she was in the same relaxed state.

Instead, Christen lies awake, anxiety creeping through her. She doesn't want to let Tobin go. But she knows she has to. She can't live in this fantasy forever. It's not good for Tobin. _She's_ not good for Tobin. Not anymore.

At this point Christen doesn't even care about herself and her feelings. Those were destroyed months ago. She's gotten used to the numbness inside her. She knows it's not healthy to compartmentalize and shove the broken pieces of her heart into a little box and push that to the back of her mind. But she does it anyways.

Sweden really froze her over. And these past few days have began to thaw her. And that is _not_ a good thing. Because it's so much better for Tobin if they never see each other again. Or, at the very least, if they forget every moment they spent together romantically. If it made Tobin happy, Christen would go right back to being her best friend, like they were when they were kids. Even if it felt like the box where her shattered heart was felt like it was constricting and suffocating her.

Christen wishes she had brought her sleeping pills with her, because she doesn't foresee getting much sleep with the way her brain is running rampant. Or at the very least she wishes she had some alcohol to take the edge off. Having both seems like a brilliant idea right about now. She would know.

She's gotta stay numb somehow. Especially now that the cold of Sweden isn't there to soothe the ache.

* * *

_"Chris, dont you think all these gifts are a bif of an overkill?" Tobin questions as she helps Christen load the piles of neatly wrapped boxes into large bags so they can easily transport them from the car to Christen's parents' house the next afternoon._

_"No, Tobs. There's a lot of people to give presents too. We've got my parents, my sisters, their guys, Ty's new baby, and a couple of my cousins that will be there for dinner," Christen lists off. "And that bag is for our friends."_

_Tobin rolls her eyes. Only Christen would buy a present for every single member of even her extended family, and probably all of their friends, whether they'll see them this afternoon for their Friendsmas get together or not._

_"I saw that eye roll, Tobin Powell," Christen scolds. "Keep it up and you won't get your gift."_

_Tobin pouts. "You wouldn't."_

_Christen raises an eyebrow. "How sure are you of that?"_

_Tobin frowns. "Don't be mean to me, it's Christmas Eve!"_

_"Then don't be so sour," Christen tells her._

_Tobin nods, pouting again._

_This time it's Christen's turn to roll her eyes, but she stays quiet as she continues to separate presents into familial categories._

_She wouldn't actually not give Tobin her presents. Especially not the special present she's going to give her tonight because it is certainly not appropriate for her family to see tomorrow evening._

_Something cold and wet pressing against Christen's calf pulls her out of her fantasy of what she hopes happens tonight after she gives Tobin her surprise gift._

_Gunner wags his tail when she looks down and scratches behind his ears. "Don't worry, buddy, I got presents for you, too," She coos at him._

_Tobin rolls her eyes again, and this time Christen is too distracted to see it._

_She loves Christmas, she really does, but nobody she knows loves it quite as much as Christen does. It's probably because Christen loves family so much. She loves being surrounded by the people she loves._

_Tobin understands. She'd love to see her own family more, but living on opposite coasts is hard. She's glad Christen's family has become like a second family to her for when she can't be with her own._

_"Okay!" Christen claps her hands a few minutes later, smiling at her handiwork, all of the presents packed in their respectice bags. "Time for Christmas movies!"_

_Tobin smiles softly at the sight of her girlfriend. Because, wow she loves this woman. So much._

_She tells her as much, pulling Christen into a tight embrace and placing a gentle kiss to her lips._

_"What do you wanna watch, babe?" Tobin asks, already knowing the answer._

_Christen's favorite Christmas movie is The Grinch, because she likes his character development._

_So Tobin digs out the disk from their expansive movie collection as Christen prepares them hot chocolate in the kitchen, and then they snuggle up on the couch with Gunner for the next two hours watching a furry green creature steal Christmas and then give it back._

_And then it's time to head over to Amy's house where they're meeting up with a few of their Californian friends who are in town for Christmas._

_Tobin lugs the bag of presents into the house where only Amy and her fiancè are. Christen's need to be early for everything means they are almost always the first to arrive to any gatherings._

_It doesn't take long for Alex and Servando to show up._

_Tobin swears they break up and get back together every other week but she never wanted to ask about it because she's sure Alex would rip her head off for doing so. She thinks they were even engaged at one point, but Alex isn't wearing a ring today so she can't be certain._

_She's not even sure Christen knows, and she's Alex's best friend._

_Megan and her girlfriend Sue are the last of their small group to show up, and from the looks of it, Megan had just rolled out of bed._

_Amy decides that wine is the only appropriate drink for them to have, so that's what they all sip on while they exchange gifts._

_They get dragged into watching two Christmas movies and then they order Chinese takeout for dinner because "it's a Christmas tradition, Amy! No one cares about being healthy during the holidays!"_

_"Hey Tobs," Christen nudges Tobin as they enter their apartment a few hours later. "I know you're tired but I have a present I want to give to you tonight."_

_Tobin hums. "'kay."_

_"Go wait in our room," Christen tells her. "I'll be in soon."_

_Tobin nods in confirmation and makes her way into their bedroom, not noticing Christen's devilish smirk as she heads to the guest room where she had shoved the box into the back of the closet right after she bought the lacy lingerie set on a whim a few weeks ago._

_She changes into it quickly, hoping to god Tobin isn't asleep when she gets to their bedroom after pulling her clother back on._

_Tobin is lounging on the bed, already changed into her pajamas._

_"Where's my present?" She asks, confused._

_Christen smirks. "It's me, I'm your present. Unwrap me."_

_Tobin gulps, sitting up quickly as Christen approaches the bed._

_She reaches out to grab onto Christen's hips, leaning up to meet Christen's lips with her own without getting up._

_Christen's kisses are hungry, and suddenly Tobin isn't tired anymore._

_She slips her hands up under Christen's shirt, inching them higher and higher until she feels something scratchy._

_"Fuck," Tobin breathes out when she realizes Christen is wearing lace._

_"I got it when Lex and I went to the mall last month," Christen tells her. "Don't you wanna find out what color it is?"_

_Tobin eagerly tugs Christen's shirt over her head, tossing it blindly somewhere behind her, already attempting to pop the button of Christen's jeans and drag them down her smooth legs._

_She grins when she sees the Carolina blue contrasting with Christen's cinnamon skin._

_"Fuck, I love you," She groans, leaning forward to press a kiss right between Christen's breasts._

_Christen climbs onto the bed to straddle Tobin. "You like it?"_

_Tobin nods rapidly. "I do. But I also can't wait until it's off you."_

_"Not yet, honey. Good things come to those who wait," Christen teases._

_"Maybe I don't wanna wait," Tobin challenges. "What're you gonna do about that?"_

_Christen presses a bruising kiss against Tobin's lips. "You'll wait."_

_Tobin concedes. She'd do just about anything Christen asked while wearing that. Even more if she wasn't wearing it right now, actually._

_And Christen is right, of course. All the torturous teasing was made up for by the three orgasms Christen gave her._

_Tonin doesn't know if Christmas Day will be able to compete with Christmas Eve, but with Chridten by her side, she knows she'll enjoy it either way._

_Waking up in Christen's arms is one of Tobin's favourite things ever, especially when they're naked. Even if it is at seven in the morning when Christen pulls her closer and presses a kiss behind her ear._

_"Honey, it's Christmas!"_

_Tobin grumbles incoherently. Maybe she doesn't love it if it's so early."Babe..."_

_"Shh," Christen coos. "We can stay in bed a little longer."_

_Tobin turns in Christen's arms so she can nuzzle into the other woman's neck. She tries her hardest to drift back to sleep again, but when she can't, she nips at Christen's neck, soothing it with her tongue._

_Christen squeals. "Tobin!"_

_Tobin ignores it, rolling on top of Christen so she can continue to bite and suck on Christen's neck._

_She takes pleasure in the moans it evokes out of Christen, and she pushes away the reminder that Christen will be mad at the trail of hickeys Tobin is leaving later._

_Instead, Tobin turns her focus onto figuring out what will get Christen to moan the loudest. She decides to pick up where they left off last night, grateful that they didn't bother to put their clothes back on._

_It gives her easy access to Christen's breasts where she can swirl her tongue around Christen's nipple and revel in the shudder it causes from the other woman, as well as the quiet whine._

_Tobin continues her trail downwards, leaving plenty of hickeys in her wake, like a little map on her way to reach treasure._

_Treasure being the sounds that Christen emits when Tobin finally ends her torture with her tongue._

_"Wow," Christen breathes out when she finally gets her composure back. "Merry Christmas to you, too."_

_Tobin grins, kissing Christen softly._

_"I think we need a shower," She winks._

_Christen chuckles, but nods. "I think you're right."_

_After their long shower, Tobin makes breakfast while Christen brews coffee for them._

_They need to fuel up for their long day, especially after exerting so much energy before breakfast._

_They're set to go to Christen's parents' house at one, but Christen being Christen means they'll have to get there at noon._

_"Tobin!" Christen shouts angrily when she begins to get ready shortly after breakfast._

_Tobin gives a guilty smile as she enters the bathroom, where Christen stands in front of the mirror in just her bra and underwear. "Yeah babe?"_

_"What the heck!? Babe we're going to see my parents in two hours. And I'm covered in hickeys!"_

_"Oopsies," Tobin shrugs, trotting into their bedroom to pull a turtleneck sweater out of the dresser and bring it to Christen._

_Christen narrows her eyes, but pulls the sweater over her head anyways. "You're lucky it's cold and I can get away with this."_

_Tobin grins. "I love you."_

_"I love you too, asshole," Christen pecks Tobin's lips before giving her a gentle shove out of the bathroom. "Go get changed in something presentable, honey."_

_Stacy and Cody are excited to see them, as always, and Cody rolls his eyes when he sees the bags of gifts they brought along._

_Tobun chuckles as Christen scolds her dad and threatens to not give him his present, which Tobin knows is some fancy exotic coffee beans for him to grind in the nice coffee grinder she got to go with it._

_Channing and her boyfriend also arrive early, with their own bag of presents, though smaller than the two Christen had brought._

_Tyler, Will, and their new baby girl arrive last, with Tyler looking absolutely exhausted, for good reason, having a two month old baby means. getting very little sleep from what Tobin understands._

_Christen immediately latches onto her niece and refuses to share her with anyone else, even Tobin._

_"Guess it's about time for you to give her one of her own," Will comments with a chuckle as he and Tobin sit with Channing's boyfriend Mike._

_"I'm just glad Chan is satisfied with doting over her niece and not craving one of our own yet," Mike says._

_"I'm glad Chris and I can't accidently get pregnant. Perks of being a lesbian."_

_The two men laugh along with Tobin, drawing the sisters' attention._

_"What's so funny?" Christen questions, making her way over to plop onto Tobin's lap, still holding the baby._

_"Nothin' you need to worry about," Tobin says._

_Christen frowns, but shrugs. "Look at how cute she is, Toby. I want one._

_Will and Mike laugh again._

_"Eventually, Chris," Tobin promises._

_Christen nods. "I hope they look like you."_

_"Funny," Tobin says. "Because I hope they look like you."_

_"Ew you too are gross, I'm gonna cry," Tyler bursts out. "Stupid hormones! Don't have kids."_

_That earns a laugh from the whole family._

_"Whenever you need a break, Tobin and I will watch her," Christen offers eagerly._

_Tyler nods._

_"Good to know," Will agrees._

_Tobin gets lost in her thoughts, still thinking about having kids of her own. She hopes when they're ready they'll each carry at least one baby. They'e talked about it briefly, but Tobin thinks it might be time to have a more in depth talk._

_Especially since she knows that they're heading in the direction of engagement. She's ready to spend the rest of her life with Christen._

_And that's a big step for Tobin. She's always been committed to Christen, but there was a while where she didn't actually want to settle down._

_Now, though, that's all she wants. She wants to be domestic with the other woman. Maybe instead of a kid so soon, they can get another puppy. She'll bring that up with Christen soon, too._

_But they've got time for all that. The rest of their lives, if Tobin has a say._

_Maybe by next Christmas she'll have found the perfect ring to present to Christen to solidify their future of forever together._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you thought in a comment, or find me on tumblr at llostt-in-ttranslationn to yell at me for taking so long to update.

**Author's Note:**

> Well, there you go! I hope you liked it, and if you did (or even if you didn't) feel free to leave a comment or kudos.


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